This article is the third of a 10-part series of true stories of Somali women
and men and their blunt assessments of their relationships. The first six parts
deal with Somali marriages in America and the last four with issues of
courtship. The names and locations of these individuals have been changed to
ensure their privacy.
*** The Snob
He is an intellectual. That is my husband, a former college professor in Somalia. Here in Atlanta, he is a high school teacher.
I am an intellectual too, but a gentler and kinder one.
My husband is egotistical, arrogant, inflexible, and antisocial.
He has an inflated view of his own intelligence and sees himself as the most
knowledgeable man about Somali politics. It seems he has a sign on his face
that reads, “Look at me. I am a genius.” He has an unpleasant habit of putting
others down. He views Somalis as “qashin”
(trash). “They don’t know anything,” he says. When you meet him, you can see
his haughty attitude and uneasiness in dealing with his fellow countrymen. Yes,
Somalis have destroyed their country, but that does not mean all Somalis are evil.
Many were victims. Try telling that to my husband, however. His response is
always negative. He simply declares, “Somalis are ignorant.”
Many of my relatives and friends have asked me why I am
married to this jerk. I am a sociable, caring, and outgoing woman. I am always
smiling and welcoming people to my house. It is my husband who receives my
friends, and even his own relatives, with blatant contempt. He has no manners.
He even treats me like one of his students. I am supposed to kowtow to him,
stroke his ego, and never overshadow him. For all practical purposes, he wants
me to feel like I was put on this planet to serve him.
Oh, yes, we have been to therapy, too!
That did not work because the therapist, according to my
husband, was an “idiot” who did not graduate from a prestigious university.
After three sessions, I realized the futility of the meetings and ended them.
Recently, I found a good job as a university academic
advisor. The pay and benefits are great. There is only one problem: My husband
is displaying a streak of jealousy and pettiness. He is not happy because my
salary is more than his. He has begun making demeaning remarks about the
students I advise. “They are unmotivated, rude, and losers in the making,” he
will quip. Suddenly, he is floating the bizarre idea that I quit my job and
stay home with our children. He has even threatened to divorce me if I stay
employed and continue “wrecking” our family life. My parents, unfortunately,
agree with him.
I think I know what I will do, and it will surprise my
husband. I am going to leave him this summer when the schools are closed. He
will never change, and if I quit my job, he will have total control over my
life.
The Two-Faced One
My community loves my husband of eight years. He is one of
its top leaders, and the people always consult him, especially the newly
arrived refugees. We attend social functions and community events, and I am
always impressed with the respect and adulation given to him at these
gatherings. He is full of fun with other people and regales them with
interesting stories and anecdotes. We are constantly invited to lunch or
dinner.
At home, my husband is a totally different person. He is
detached, distant, cold, and aloof. He does not joke with me or the children.
He comes home from work, settles on the couch, eats his meal, and watches TV.
When the children talk to him, he mostly admonishes them not to bother him.
When I try to talk to him, he is absent-minded and gives me perfunctory
responses. The only time he utters loving words is when we are intimate.
Two months ago, I complained to three elders in my community
about my husband’s abusive behavior. In hindsight, I see it was a big mistake.
Two of the elders cursed at me and accused me of engaging in what they called “been-abuurasho” (making up stories).
They kept defending my husband. “Anybody but Abdirashid,” bellowed one of them.
One elder, however, did reprimand the other two for not being impartial. “This
woman came to us to solve a problem,” he complained, “and you have already
issued a verdict.”
Then, my husband heard about the incident. He was furious and
accused me of soiling his reputation in the community. All of a sudden, I became an instigator, an
ungrateful and disloyal wife. My husband wanted to divorce me and, to his
chagrin, I was not opposed to the idea. “Go ahead,” I told him. He was even
more furious that I would actually be content being out of his life. Then, one
day he came home and told me that he had changed his mind about the divorce.
You know why, don’t you?
He is protecting his image and his reputation in the
community. This man does not care about his children and his wife. His only
concern is his standing in the community. I think I am now empowered, and I am
going to use that power to my advantage.
The Altruist
My wife is an angel. She is the
kindest and most caring person I have ever met. She is not selfish and always
puts her family ahead of everything else.
I guess you can’t teach kindness to anyone, can you? I can confidently
say that I have a happy marriage. On a scale of 1 to 10, it is an 11. It is not
due to my doing but rather the great efforts of my wife. I do little at home
with the children, and she is the one who is involved in their homework and
activities. I honestly do not know much about our household matters. In fact, I
am lazy when it comes to housework. I do hire people who help clean our big
house, but I am talking about the nitty-gritty of the household needs.
My relationship with my wife is based
on respect and love. It is a unique relationship that bounces back quickly from
any conflict that may arise. We never
argue in front of the children and never go to bed angry at each other. I spend
two hours every night talking to my wife. We never run out of conversation.
There is always something to talk about and share. I believe, in addition to
being married, that we are best friends. I give her all the credit for making
our marriage great.
Although I am blessed with a good marriage, I am confounded
by how many jealous people there are in the community. Our close relationship
is common knowledge. My in-laws, for instance, have a habit of constantly
trying to come between my wife and me. She says that she has been accused of
everything from “worshipping” her husband to “marginalizing” her relatives. Our
community members cause problems too. Because my wife does not participate in
weddings, she has been labeled as a weakling who “listens” to her husband. I do
not like Somali weddings because they last until the wee hours, but I never
prevented my wife from attending. I encourage her to go with her female friends
for outings and have fun, but she rarely does.
I have been accused of keeping my wife from attending
weddings. My wife is the one to blame. Some women had asked once about going to
a wedding and she made a relatively innocuous comment—or maybe jokingly said:
“My husband does not allow me to go to weddings.” The rumor mill began to
churn. Now, everybody in our community
thinks I am a dictator and wife oppressor. My wife and I laugh about the
incident when we are by ourselves. This is, perhaps, one issue I have no
intention of correcting. Do you know why? Women in our community have stopped
asking my wife to join them in their all-female late parties and weddings.
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