Several years ago, in an Arizona court, I met an elderly Somali woman who was accompanied by two of her pregnant daughters. I was there to assist the woman’s son, a man in his thirties, who had been convicted of burglary and drug possession. The family came to seek leniency-- on his behalf-- during his sentencing. They all testified and implored the judge to give their relative a break. After the hearing, the elderly woman approached me and thanked me for helping her son. She then asked the name of ‘my wife’ lest she knew her.
“I am not married,” I said.
“You are not?”
“No.”
There was an eerie, if not a deafening, silence.
“My two adult college-aged sons live with me,” I sheepishly volunteered to add. Or, as the older of the two had the wont of saying, “My Dad lives with me.”
More silence.
“Yeah, I was married for 22 years,” I said as though I was pleading for an understanding from the woman. In essence, I wanted her to know that I had no beef with the institution of
marriage.
More silence.
It was obvious that the continuous and loud silence left me utterly deflated.
By this time, I had given up. To the elderly lady, I was a middle-aged professional Somali man with a notable attribute: I was single. Although I am not a mind reader, I could guess what she was thinking: “Maybe he is leading a life of debauchery. He must be miserable.”
The woman finally gave me a perfunctory farewell and left. She also shared a terse—albeit, unspoken-- message: Do something and get married.
Somalis put premium on the importance of older age. According to one Somali adage, “Nin gu’ kaa weyn, garaadna kaa weyn,” (a person who is [a year] older than you is wiser than you). Although Somalis also promote the act of marriage, Somali elders have unfortunately not yet been asked, in a systematic way, what advice they can offer to young single people.
single people are likely to be less happy than those who are married. Meanwhile, married people tend to live longer. Of course, some of my married friends would adamantly argue against such conclusions.
Other than the disquieting subject of marriage, I do not recall my mother ever sitting with me or my sister and giving us any advice on getting married or achieving that elusive goal called “happiness.” She was more of an action-oriented person than a talker. When my mother came to California in 1991, she lived with me for the first year and half before she got her own place. She was a fiercely independent woman who wanted to have her own space. During the short period she stayed with my family, she was reticent. She generally did not comment on my marriage at the time, either good or bad. One notable exception occurred when I would take her to visit some Somali women in our city for social gatherings. The women inevitably asked my mother about my family life. She replied that it was good. Then, my mother delivered what seemed to be a mortal blow to my role as a husband: “Hassan spends a great deal of time in the kitchen.” She, of course, meant cooking, not foraging for food in the kitchen.
I howled with laughter at my mother’s comment. She was disdainful of the fact that her son was doing what she thought to be a wife’s responsibility. In other words, I was mangling my role as a husband. My mother never mentioned the fact that she did not approve of a man cooking while the wife was home. I have always enjoyed cooking and, oddly, my children have always been my biggest fans. I guess they did not have much of a choice as they were my captive audience. My mother’s remark clarified for me her comments to me when I would present her a meal. She had a habit of taking a veiled dig at my culinary skills: “War heedhe, maxaad noo walaaqday maanta?.” “(what have you been stirring for us?).” “Walaaq”, or “stirring,” is something done by an amateur--in my case, a man wo, presumably, did not know what he was doing. When she disapproved of something said or done, her favorite phrase was, “Illeen waa daaqdaa.” (So, you graze). I found it sardonic because she had a raw sense of humor.
I wonder what my parents would have said about issues such as marriage, happiness, career, and parenting if they had spoken to me about them.
***
30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans by Karl Pillemer (Hudson Street Press, 2011) is a new book that shares the advice of 1,000 American elders whom the author calls “the Experts,” because they have done something many of us have not: lived into their 70s, 80s, 90s, and beyond. For a period of five years, the author, who is also a professor of Gerontology at Cornell University, interviewed his subjects, who were 65 years old and older,
about issues such marriage, parenting, careers, and happiness. These elders explained that
no one gave them advice when they were young. This is a summary of the advice they shared:
On Marriage: A successful marriage, according to the elders, is the one when the couple has
the same values and goals. The idea that opposites attract and, hence, make their marriage successful is nothing but a wishful thinking. Yes, many couples meet, fall in love, and then get married, but what makes a marriage durable is an amalgam of friendship, open communication, the ability to compromise, and an unwavering commitment to the institution of marriage. Romantic love, in essence, does not beget a lasting union. In Linda and Charlie Bloom’s
book, 101 Things I wish I knew when I got married (2004), the authors identified what kills a marriage and what makes it special:
#10: “It isn’t conflict that
destroys marriages; it is the cold, smoldering resentment that is bred by
withholding.”
#76: “Of all the benefits of marriage, the
greatest is the possibility of using this relationship to become a more loving person.”
Marriage is taking that extra step to make every day special. One of the elders shared this daily
advice: “When you wake up in the morning, think, ‘what can I do to make her day just a little happier?” (Antoinette Watkins, 81).
On Parenting: Discipline is crucial, but there is no need for physical punishment. The elders, paradoxically, see the futility of physical punishment-- an approach that was considered acceptable just two or three decades ago. They think that it is not an effective way of disciplining, and, in fact, may lead children to become aggressive and anti-social.
The elders urge parents to spend time with their children at any cost and make the effort to participate in their activities. The more a parent interacts with his/her child, the more that
parent is able to establish a bond and instill important values. Moreover, more interaction also enables parents to detect peer problems.
Do not engage in favoritism or comparisons, advise the elders.
On Careers: Find a job that you like, the elders say, and that you enjoy doing. You can always
get another job, on a temporary basis, while you pursue your ultimate career.
Patience is key in pursuing your dream job.
On Regrets: The elders advise you to be honest and take full advantage of the opportunities
that life presents. For those who are still young, they urge them to travel before it is too late.
On Happiness: Happiness is a choice one makes and “is not a result of how life treats you.”
Things do happen to people that are beyond their control, the important thing is how people
react to such matters. It is always good to be joyful. One 90-year- old woman stated, “I learned to be grateful for what I have, and no longer bemoan what I don’t have or can’t do.”
***
Let’s briefly discuss the topic of happiness now that the elders have extrapolated
their take on it.
Happiness as an industry
According to Psychology Today, in 2008 alone, 4000 books were published on happiness in the United States compared to 50 books published in 2000. The plethora of books on the topic-- not to mention the fact that some leading American universities are offering classes on happiness-- is intriguing. An entire
field has emerged called, “positive psychology,” that deals with the study of happiness.
In the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson made the pursuit of happiness as
basic human right, along with life and liberty.
Many thinkers often define happiness in terms of living a good and meaningful life. In
Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle used the term “eudemonia” (rather than “happiness”) which means “well-being,” or “flourishing,” as the basis of ethics. Humans, Aristotle, argued pursue
“eudemonia” for its own sake, unlike wealth, friendship, or health.
Happiness is contentment. Psychologist Martin Seligman provided the basic ingredients of
happiness or “flourishing,” as he calls it, using the acronym, PERMA. People are happy when they have the following;
Pleasure (“tasty food, warm bath, etc.”),
Engagement (“the absorption of an enjoyed yet challenging activity”),
Relationships (“social ties have turned out to be an extremely important
indicator”),
Meaning (“a perceived quest for belonging to something bigger”),
Accomplishment (achieving goals).
What about money and appearances? To what extent do these affect one’s happiness?
Good Looks and Happiness
Can good looks make you richer and happier?
Some economists at the University of Texas-- Austin report that a measurable economic benefit exists for being attractive. In other words, the more attractive you are, the more likely you are to benefit from it economically and happiness-wise. “The majority of beauty’s effect on happiness works through its impact on economic outcomes,” explained Professor Daniel Hamermesh, the lead researcher. These economists sought to determine if any correlation existed among beauty, income, and happiness. They found that better-looking people earn more money and marry better-looking and higher earning spouses. Good-looking individuals have better chances to get better job interview results, make better initial impressions, influence others, and, most
of all, get the benefit of the doubt.
So, what about plastic surgery? Do some people need to change their looks in order to gain preferential treatment?
“It doesn’t help much…Your beauty is determined to a tremendous extent by the shape of your
face, by its symmetry, and how everything hangs together,” Hamermesh argued.
The study, of course, did not take into consideration some of the successful people who are simply not that attractive. Can you say that Bill Gates, Donald Trump, or the late Steve Jobs and Michael Jackson (who were alive at the time of the study) were better looking than the average Joe?
Moreover, “isn’t overall quality of life—family, money, friends, career, interests, and so on—determined by ‘how everything hangs together?” (Time, 3/30/11).
Can Money Buy Happiness?
Give me wealth, and I will be happy.
Not so fast!
Donald Trump, the flamboyant American billionaire, once aptly summarized the complex relationship between money and happiness when he said, “Money is not everything—for those who have it.” Yet, there is always the perception among many that money can buy happiness. At least one study by researchers at Princeton University’s Woodrow Wilson School concluded that money can buy happiness if a magical figure is attained, a $75,000 annual income. There are two kinds of happiness; the changeable, day-to-day mood that reflects if one is sad, stressed, - and emotionally sound- and the “the deeper satisfaction you feel about the way your life is going.” The $75,000 annual income in the United States only improves one’s life satisfaction, not the day-to-day emotional content. Incidentally, the magical figure is quite high given the federal poverty level is $22,050 for a family of four.
Researchers found that respondents’ evaluation of their overall life was directly tied to their income. With extra income, people’s stress level was a lot lower than those suffering from inancial pinch. In essence, the more money people made, the more they felt that they were enerally satisfied with their lives. It is not absolute wealth that is linked to happiness, but elative wealth or status; that’s, how much more money you have than your neighbor.
The researchers found that most Americans (85%), regardless of their income, felt happy every year. About 40% reported feeling stressed, and 24% felt sadness. When the same study was conducted in other countries, the Americans were not unique. This is how they ranked:
5th__in terms of
happiness,
33rd__in terms of
smiling,
10th—in terms of
enjoyment
89th—in terms of
being the biggest worriers,
5th—in terms of
being most stressed (out of 151 nations studied).
According to The Economist (February, 2012), poorer nations actually fare better in the way they self-report about happiness.
A Purposeful Life
Money can enable individuals to pursue their passion but it is not an indicator that it leads to happiness. Various studies have shown that the super-rich are susceptible to a host of problems such as high level stress. People who are also materialistic tend to be less happy than those who aren’t.
So, what is the way out?
In his book, Happier, Tal Ben Shahar provides an eloquent summation of how one should approach the topic of happiness. Happiness can best be attained by:
-‘Creating rituals around the things we love,
-Expressing gratitude for the good things in our lives,
-Setting meaningful goals that reflect our values and interests,
-Playing to our strengths instead of dwelling on weaknesses, and
-Simplifying our lives—not just the stuff, but the time’.
Imam Abu Hamid al-Ghazali (1058-1111) was a Muslim philosopher and the author of Kimiya-as-Sacaadah (The Alchemy of Happiness), a practical guide to happiness. He basically called for leading a purposeful life. Al-Ghazali prescribed a life of self-discipline and spiritual purity. To Ghazzali, self-realization is very important. “He who knows himself is truly happy.” The aim of moral discipline is “to purify the heart from the rust of passion and resentment till, like a clear mirror, it reflects the light of God.” Unhappiness is when one becomes slave to his desires. “In short, man in this world is framed in infirmity and imperfection. But if he desires and wills to free himself from animal propensities, and ferocious satanic qualities, he may attain future happiness.”
Personal growth and helping others are more likely to prompt happiness than money and status. According to Kennon Sheldon, professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota, people
pursue two types of goals, intrinsic and extrinsic. “Intrinsic goals are about personal growth and self-knowledge, connections and social intimacy with other people, and wanting to help the human community for altruistic reasons,” Dr. Sheldon said. “Extrinsic goals are about money, luxury, appearance, attractiveness, status, popularity, looks, and power.” Individuals driven by
intrinsic goals are “significantly happier” than those pursuing extrinsic goals.
In a seventy-two year study, conducted by Harvard University’s psychiatrist Dr. George Valliant, looked at what makes men happy over their lifetime and discovered that happiness encompasses
having good relationships, especially with their siblings and friends; adapting to crisis, and having a stable marriage. Moreover, avoiding smoking and chemical dependency, getting regular exercise, and maintaining a healthy weight further brighten the prospects of individual happiness.
Professor Chris Peterson of the University of Michigan suggests simply making strong personal relationships as top priority in order to ward off life’s daily trials and tribulations.
Finally, there is the story of the Zen master and a 16-year old boy in a Chinese village. For his birthday, the boy received a horse as a gift. The villagers were impressed and said, “How great!” The Zen master said, “We will see.” One day, the boy fell from the horse and broke his foot. The villagers were saddened and said, “That’s awful!” The Zen master said, “We will see.” Two years later a war broke out and all the abled young men were drafted. The boy was exempted due to
his physical condition, and the villagers said, “How wonderful!” The Zen master said, “We will see.”
Life is replete with setbacks. What seems to be an opportunity might be ominous while a tragedy might be an opportunity in disguise. What is needed is not euphoric triumphalism or bemoaning but simply the ability to cope with such setbacks with grace.
