Hassan Sheikh: The Return of the Incumbent

Barring the unforeseen, it is likely President Hassan Sheikh Mohamoud (HSM) will be reelected on Dec. 28. What is not certain, however, is whether there is a possibility that the presidential election might be put off once again.

A politician whose term technically expired last September, HSM has recently become unhinged in the numerous interviews he has given. His odd behavior has recently become a concern as he has spoken erratically and, seemingly, without a filter. In one interview, he railed at unknown Somalis abroad equipped with laptops who pen articles against “Somalia” with the “four words of English” they had learned. He has equated criticizing the country of Somalia with opposing his government. Moreover, he juxtaposed these nefarious figures abroad with the Somalis in the country who carry guns and fight the government. He fails to acknowledge the hundreds of Somalis from the diaspora who occupy key positions in his own government.

Then, there was the time he welcomed the election of Donald Trump and said positive things about him. When the interviewer reminded him that the new U.S. president-elect lambasted Somalis in Minnesota, HSM drew a distinction between the Somalis in America and their brethren in Somalia. “Trump said nothing negative about the Somalis here,” he gloated.

At any rate, the possible re-election of HSM is strong. In a normal democratic country, the Somali president’s abysmal record for the last four years would have guaranteed his ultimate defeat. But, Somali elections are not one man, one vote. The parliament will select the new president, which is a process HSM has wanted all along since his election in 2012.

Several years ago, a prominent government official revealed two things: There would not be direct elections in 2016, and that HSM was categorically “the most corrupt man in Somalia.” This official, who was appointed by none other than the president himself, has the jurisdiction to investigate his boss, HSM. Unfortunately, he is only interested in preserving his position and not rocking the boat.

Why is HSM likely to be reelected?

There are several reasons that might help his reelection:

1.     HSM has stashed sufficient money to bribe many legislators in order to get their votes. He did it in 2012 and he is likely to do it again. This man has been hoarding money for the last few years and, in essence, has a war chest that defies logic. These funds are not from his own pocket, but rather public funds diverted from government projects and monies from business conglomerates. It is not clear how much money he has for the election, but people close to him posit astronomical numbers—many say about $300k per vote—to guarantee his election. What is not clear is how many foreign governments are willing to invest millions in this presidential election? Countries like the United Arab Emirates, Qatar, and Turkey are expected to play a major role in the process, as well as neighboring countries. The Gulf factor is expected to be crucial. Some Gulf countries have not shied from dispensing cash to have their man elected. Moreover, there is no truth in the reports that HSM’s second wife, whose house caught fire and was gutted last week, lost $30,000,000 cash in that dubious incident. It is one of the tabloid news items circulating in Mogadishu at this critical juncture in the country’s history.

2.     There are too many presidential candidates, many from the diaspora, and almost all of them know they have no chance of unseating HSM. The number of the candidates is so staggering that the joke now is not who is running for president, but who is not. There are former presidents, former prime ministers, former ministers, former or current heads of regional governments, a former speaker of parliament, and a few professionals. Many are in the competition to bolster their resumes. Some are there to be in the limelight. Others are simply failed politicians who are committed to resurrecting their images. Unlike the opposition in Gambia’s recent elections in which they all united against the sitting president, Somali presidential candidates are unlikely to present a united front. Each wants to do what is best only for him. Yes, they are all men. The only female candidate withdrew from the race last week and faded with barely a sound.  She was never serious about her race and spent almost all her time doing interviews with the international media, which found her candidacy alluring. She, like her male colleagues, rarely spent time campaigning in Somalia. She knew she had no chance, but she got her 15 minutes of fame. She is now back in her adopted country of Finland railing against “corruption in the presidential race.” In reality, she was no better candidate than many of the inept male candidates she was running against. In short, these presidential candidates’ division is a boon to HSM.

3.     The Mogadishu factor comes from the fact that the next president will be Hawiye. All the talk about PM Omar Abdirashid Sharmarke unseating his boss is nothing but cheap talk. Let me be clear: The chance of a Darod president in Mogadishu is unlikely to happen in the foreseeable future. It’s a pipedream. Somalia is not ready to elect a Darod president again. Now, the Darod, the Dir and the Digil/Mirifle can be power brokers, but that is the extent they will play in the election.

4.     There is also the myth of the homogenous “international community”. Now and then, one hears that the “International Community” wants HSM or that candidate. Not true. There are various countries and entities that play crucial role in Somali politics, but they are not united. Each country has its own interests to guard: Turkey has an economic interest in the country that might be anathema to the Emirates, and vice versa. There might be some convergence of interests among some of these entities, but one should never assume they are all one united front. Some of these entities might prefer the incumbent because it is simple, old politics: Better the devil you know.

In all, I do not expect miracles from the coming presidential elections. HSM has resoundingly failed in his first term because he has shown that his primary interest is self-enrichment. He did little to prepare the country for clean elections and with one man, one vote, did nothing on the provisional constitution, and, additionally, he allowed his cronies and relatives to control businesses, failed to bring law and order to the country, and became indifferent to genuine reconciliation. Another term for HSM means the continuation of unbridled corruption, bad governance, and Somalia remaining the laughing stock of the world. However, there will always be some in the legislature who are willing to sell their soul for the right price.

Osman Jinkis: An Obituary

A member of the Somali community of San Diego since the early 1990s, Osman Jinkismale Mohamed died of heart failure Sunday, Nov. 20, in San Diego. He was 59.

Jinkis, as his friends knew him, was popular among his fellow countrymen for his unbridled humor, affability, and technical savviness. He worked as a cab driver, but also moonlighted as a technician, wedding videographer, and an amateur mechanic.

Jinkis was born in Marka, a coastal town in southern Somalia, in 1957. He was given his father’s name “Jinkismale,” which means, “no one [among humans] is like him.” As a youngster, he enrolled in primary education, but his parents later pulled him out of school. Instead, he learned a few skills as he worked in various fields as a handy man.

In the 1970s, Jinkis unrelentingly pursued his dream of being an electrician. His determination paid off in 1978 when the American Embassy in Mogadishu hired him. He spoke no English, but he was proficient in his work and had strong people skills, which earned him the respect of his employer and colleagues.

In 1991, Jinkis, like thousands of Somalis, fled to Kenya because of the civil war. For a while, he spent time in the Utanga Refugee Camp near Mombasa. After a short period, he relocated to Nairobi where he applied to be settled in the United States. His previous work for the American Embassy came in handy and he was settled in San Diego in June 1993.

Wisecracking and charismatic, people listened to Jinkis when he spoke. He had an interesting accent—a blend of Markan and Benadiri dialects. I remember my nephew, Khalid Barre, then a teen, listening to Jinkis and watching him with rapt attention. I asked Khalid why he was looking at Jinkis in that way. Khalid replied, “Abti (uncle), he speaks Somali in a way that I have never heard.” Jinkis’ speech was unique and fun.

Somalis sought out Jinkis’ answers to various questions to elicit his humorous responses. One time, someone asked Jinkis how many breasts a she-camel has. Jinkis was not amused and said: “Why are you guys asking me about camels? I grew up in a coastal city. Ask me about fish.”

In another incident, Jinkis was driving along with three of his Somali co-workers in Poway, a suburb of San Diego, when a police officer stopped him for speeding. The officer asked Jinkis why he was speeding. Jinkis swiftly replied: “These guys were telling me my car is slow, and I wanted badly to show them how fast I can drive.” The officer laughed and said “That is the most honest answer I have ever heard from a motorist.”

Jinkis lived behind a Somali café popularly known as “Calaacal” (Whining) and would hang around the eatery. Tellingly, he once was heading to pray at a nearby mosque with another guy. The café was close to two Somali mosques; one a block away and predominantly Somali-run, the other was also overwhelmingly attended by Somalis, but Pakistanis ran it and it was two blocks away. When Jinkis was asked to pray at the closer mosque, he declined and said, “Ma rabo inaan tukado salaad afaara qabiil ah” (I do not want to offer a clannish prayer)”. He prayed instead in the mosque run by the Pakistanis. Still today, his friends remember his odd statement in amusement. It was a true reflection of the current tribal state of Somalis. 

With his dark complexion and straight hair, Jinkis looked more like an Indian. Occasionally, he was bothered by customers who automatically assumed he was Indian. “I am a Somali,” he would curtly reply. However, his unique features were a blessing as he was able to cultivate more diverse clientele. He had an incredible work ethic as a cabbie because he sometimes worked seven days a week—from 4 a.m. to 4 p.m. There was just one hitch: His extremely hectic schedule proved to be detrimental to his health and well-being as he developed an acute form of hypertension.

In 2012, Jinkis suffered a stroke and went into deep coma that lasted for a year. Doctors told his friends that he would last only a week or two. They were wrong. He survived a few more years, and miraculously came out of coma, and slowly but surely started returning to his old self. The long coma, however, took a heavy toll and damaged his kidneys. He was on dialysis for years as he waited for a kidney transplant.

I met Jinkis in the early 1990s at the Department of Motor Vehicles. I helped him with his paperwork and interpreted for him. Since then, we forged a true and lasting friendship. He was kind, caring, dependable, genial, and a loyal friend, indeed, there were none like him. Many of the Somalis in San Diego will also miss him because he bent over backward to help his community. He was a positive soul.  May God have mercy on him. 

All in the Family (Part 2): Politics in the South West

President Sharif Hassan of the South West (SW) is trying to ensure that his relatives and friends are elected to the Lower House of the Federal Parliament. He is also creating his own set of clan chieftains.

To begin, Sharif Hassan’s own son, Abdulkhadir, has been officially selected for parliament.  Abdulkhadir replaced his father two years ago in the Federal Parliament when Sharif Hassan became the head of the Interim South West Administration. Now, Abdulkhadir has returned.

In Part One, we discussed Mohamed Mursal, the Wunderkind and nephew of Sharif Hassan. Mursal is the state minister for the presidency office and the head of the election committee. These strange dual and conflicting responsibilities can only possibly take place in the SW. Mursal’s wife, Samro Omar Ibrahim, is running for a seat in parliament with her selection almost guaranteed.

Sharif Hassan’s half-brother, Madeer, is slated to win a seat over Adan Mohamed Nur “Madoobe,” former speaker of Somalia. The two are fighting for a seat for Hadame, a subclan of Mirifle. Madoobe was the politician who had replaced Sharif Hassan as speaker in 2007, when the latter was voted out of office. Madoobe was also once a star in the SW, but has since fizzled out.

In one subclan of Mirifle, Liisaan, Sharif Hassan has anointed a new chieftain by the name of Malaaq Mohamed Adow. Professor Mohamed Mukhtar of Savannah State University’s late father, 100, was the chieftain of Liisaan in particular and Mirifle in general, but has passed away recently. Mukhtar’s brother, Malaaq Ali Malaaq Mukhtar, who lives in Australia, was supposed to lead the sub clan until Sharif Hassan chose his own man, Adow, a butcher by profession, to lead. Why Adow? First, Adow is married to Sharif Hassan’s sister. Secondly, Adow’s sister is married to Madeer, Sharif Hassan’s brother.

However, perhaps, Gelidle, another subclan of Mirifle, saw the most violent aspect of this election. The Gelidle chieftain, Malaaq Ibrahim Moalim, was beaten by soldiers when he defied Sharif Hassan. The strongman and his nephew, Mursal, wanted to have their people elected to parliament. Mursal’s wife, Samro, belongs to the Gelidle subclan. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce5pG9djlPc)

Corruption in its highest order

These are some features of the elections in the South West for the Lower House:

    1.      Each candidate selects his/her own 51 electors without any vetting. In other words, if you      are   approved to run for office, it is your responsibility to bring a list of people who will vote for you. It does not matter where these electors come or which clan they belong to. Alas, no one will check them. There are reports that Sharif Hassan’s soldiers have doubled as electors. One major condition is that the candidates must support Sharif Hassan. “Anyone who is not supporting me,” Sharif Hassan said in ruthlessly clear terms, “has no business running for parliament.”  

2.      The Election Committee, headed by Mursal, is involved in weaning out candidates seen as independents or have not paid enough bribes. There are instances in which legitimate candidates were barred from entering the polling places. Why Mursal, a government official, would oversee the election process is a question that has stumped many people? In essence, he is the judge and the jury.

3.      Unlike elections of the Lower House in Puntland, the South West does not allow the mass media to broadcast the proceedings live. Journalists in the South West are intimidated and harassed by Sharif Hassan’s people.

4.      Candidates who do not cooperate with Mursal are threatened that their pictures will be passed to Al-Shabaab. While Al-Shabaab militants are not on the ballot, they are a major factor in the election. All parliament candidates must submit their pictures in order to run for office and, unfortunately, these images are used as blackmail to pass to Al-Shabaab for those who refuse to cooperate with Sharif Hassan.

5.      Money flows like water in the SW during the elections.  The problem is that no one is caught with their hand in the cookie jar. The system lacks transparency and an independent election body to run the elections. In essence, as one candidate said, “It is a joke that there are elections in the South West in the first place.”

6.      Sharif Hassan controls Baydhabo, the largest city in the SW. He does not control outside of Baydhabo, an area run by Al-Shabaab. He and his followers have to fly in and out of Baydhabo. The same can be said about other regional states like Jubbaland, Galmudug, and Hirshabelle. In a way, these are all city-states. For the SW, Sharif Hassan lacks a pool of people to fill many vacancies. The candidates for office can’t visit the very areas they represent. That is why Sharif Hassan has to “create” his own candidates and fake mechanisms for electors and elected officials.

Perhaps, Mohamed Osman Jawari, speaker of the federal parliament, was the only politician elected fair and square in the SW. His election was attended by the media and two U.N observers in order to show the world that the process in Baydhabo was clean and fair. However, for many candidates, the election set off a cascade of grievances.

Somali Finance Minister, Mohamed Adan Farkeeti, was not lucky. Sharif Hassan did not want him to serve in the federal parliament even though Farkeeti spent a great deal of money in his campaign. Sharif Hassan had more than twenty five of Farkeeti’s electors detained in the presidential palace for two days and their cell phones confiscated. At the end, Farkeeti lost by one vote to a man very close to Sharif Hassan. Sometimes, money is not everything in the SW, especially if Sharif Hassan does not want you or sees you as a threat. Already, supporters of Farkeeti and Sharif Hassan have clashed in Baydhabo and gunfire has been exchanged. There is a great chance that these armed confrontations will spread across the SW.

Mukhtar Hassan Yarow, 57, (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmWlU7PtWuc) saw firsthand the level of corruption in the South West elections. As a candidate, he was beaten and physically removed from the election site. “I have never seen something like this in my life,” he lamented, “with the prevalence of wrongdoing and corruption.” His rival brought with him 15 members of his immediate family to vote for him. Undeterred, Yarow still wanted to run. Finally, he was approached by Musal and was given a bona fide offer: “Withdraw.” When Yarow refused, he was hit on the back of his head by 20 soldiers and physically removed from the building.

Another young man (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th20w2aD3CM ) held a short press conference —remember, there is fear among journalists—but proved to be powerful and effective. The young man asked the international community and President Hassan S. Mohamoud to interfere in the “so-called elections” in the South West. “It is a charade,” he said. He solely blamed Sharif Hassan and his nephew for the widespread corruption and use of force to intimidate and harass candidates.

Recently, Michael Keating, Special Representative of the U.N Secretary General to Somalia, conceded that “vote buying and bribes are a reality,” but added that “voting, when it actually takes place, is secret, that there are no cell phones for example for people to take photos on how they voted…”  The question is: what is the point of having secret voting when the pool of electors is tainted? What good would a secret ballot do when you, as a candidate, are assured that you will prevail? The problem with the SW is a combination of money, nepotism, an inexperienced pool of candidates, and a corrupt election committee, all of which is reflected on during their elections.

HSM: The hand that rocks the cradle of HirShabelle

The newly formed HirShabelle state is on its way to selecting members of the Upper House, and it is already providing a textbook case for how President Hassan Sheikh Mohamoud (HSM) will be re-elected: with loads of money.

In the beginning, HSM treated Hiiraan with disrespect and heavy-handedness. He sent his boyish-looking, interior minister and federal affairs, Abdurahman Odowaa, to the region to start the formation of the new federal state combining Hiiraan and Shabelle. The young man, widely believed to be a member of Dammul-Jadid, the secretive group that controls Villa Somalia and Mogadishu’s economy, failed in his attempts to garner support from various tribal leaders. Clan elders simply ignored him and treated him as a “youngster” and an extension of HSM.

Consequently, Odowaa and Mohamed Mukhtar, another cabinet minister, were sent to Beledweyne to enlist support, but that did not work either. Some of the elders simply told the duo that one of them was welcome (Mukhtar) and the other (Odowaa) was not. It took HSM a long time to realize that Odowaa was no longer welcome in that region.

A few clan leaders in Hiiraan and Shabelle then attempted to form a state region. They failed because the international community did not lend a helping hand and some clans boycotted the gathering. Afterward, Prime Minister Omar Abdirashid came to Beledweyne and persuaded Hiiraan leaders to acquiesce in the formation of a state that combined Hiiraan and Middle Shabelle. Sharmarke admitted to the elders that the federal government had made mistakes in its dealing with the region. The elders then tentatively agreed to participate in the formation of the state.

When HSM heard that his premier and political rival succeeded where his young envoys failed, he decided to go to Beledweyne himself. The president did not want Sharmarke to take any credit for the successful talks.

Hiiraan verses Shabelle

The Xawadle, one of the largest clans in Hiiraan, and its elders have serious grievances with the new federal process of state formation. They are angry that Hiiraan, one of the eight original regions formed after the country gained its independence, is being lumped with Shabelle.  The idea that it now has to share power with Middle Shabelle is mindboggling. As Ugaas Hassan Ugaas Khalif of Xawaadle clan succinctly put it: “Hiiraan was a region after independence when Jowhar was a mere district.”  He said that Hiiraan, for instance, will not accept four seats in the Upper House when Shabelle will also have four seats.

State parliament elections

After the arm twisting of various clan elders in both Hiiraan and Shebelle, HSM succeeded in making Jowhar the new capital of HirShabelle. About ninety eight members were selected for the state parliament.  The presidency was given to Xawaadle, the speakership to Gaal Jecel, and the vice presidency to Abgaal.  Two elections, one for speaker and the other for president of the state, were first conducted this month.

Initially, the post of the speaker was supposed to be an easy choice between Abukar Hassan Ali, an educated politician with experience in government and the court system, and Sheikh Osman Barre, a traditional tribal leader. HSM took no chances and made sure “his people” won the selection process. He backed the traditional elder because he was someone whom he could influence. Moreover, he suspected that Abukar Hassan Ali, who had worked with the former head of the country, President Sharif Ahmed, was too independent to court. Besides, Sharif Ahmed was a rival of HSM and the two are currently competing for the country’s presidency.

HSM sent two political operatives and Members of Parliament to buy votes in HirShabelle’s state elections: Dahir Amin Jeesow and Amina Mohamed Abdi.  The two came to Jowhar with loads of money. Some sources say that they brought with them several hundred thousand dollars. The duo distributed funds to members of the state parliament to elect HSM’s pick, Sheikh Barre, and defeat Ali. According to reliable sources, about $6,000 was given to each state parliamentarian, who in return promised to vote for Barre. It worked. Suddenly, Barre, the dark horse in that race, won 61 votes. So, HSM was the ultimate winner.

Once the speaker was chosen, the president of the state was selected. Three candidates were in the running: Ali Abdullahi Osoble, Ali Mohamed Arale, and Mohamed Abdi Waare. However, Arale’s brother (Abdikarim) is married to Ossoble’s sister.  Therefore, Ali Arale withdrew from the race.

Ali Ossoble, whose father served as a cabinet member in Siad Barre’s government, is a quiet man not known for political activism. His detractors say that he is the type of politician HSM loves to deal with; malleable, weak, and un-engaging.  In political parlance, he poses no threat to Villa Somalia. Ossoble was selected as the president of HirShabelle with exactly 61 votes. What is magic about the number 61? Some believe that the $6,000 given to 61 members of the state parliament paid for votes for both the new speaker and state president; they were a package deal. In politics, these critics say, there is no coincidence.

In a BBC interview, Ossoble denied that the election was questionable. He was introduced to the international community in Mogadishu last week and then went to Beledweyne. Ugaas Hassan, who had denounced the formation of HirShabelle as an illegal entity made and manufactured elsewhere, met Ossoble. Ossoble’’s goal was to bring the chieftain with him to Jowhar so he could attend the swear-in-ceremony for the new president. It did not happen. When asked what the two had talked about, Ugaas Hassan issued a terse reply: “We only discussed about our clan.”

In the next article, I will address the selection of members of the Upper House from HirShabelle which has yet to be finalized.  Sit tight and enjoy the ride.

On Relationships: Getting Along with In-Laws.

The scene is a café where two men are chatting. One of them gloats and says, “My mother-in-law is an angel.” The other sighs and says, “You are lucky—mine is alive.” In another case, a man laments: “My mother-in-law and I were happy for 20 years. Then, I met her.”

Okay, enough with the mother-in-law jokes. The point is that relationships do not operate in a vacuum. There are in- laws to contend with. The anecdote that Adam and Eve were the luckiest and happiest couple in the world because neither had a mother-in-law is not amusing. Many marriages either thrive or disintegrate depending on the couple’s relationship with the in-laws.   

I married an American woman from Michigan when I was 21. We met at a student conference in the Midwest and after several months we ended up getting married. However, her family was rightfully perturbed by our fast courtship.  I was a student at Ohio University who met a young lady working and living in Lafayette, Indiana, where Purdue University is located.  She already had her college degree and came from an upper-middle-class background.

Her parents were understandably worried for their daughter and the future that awaited her. They wanted to give us a big wedding and even bought the cake. Unfortunately, due to scheduling conflicts (I had to go to Somalia briefly on behalf of a charitable foundation), the big wedding never happened; instead, we had a small ceremony attended by friends in Indiana, but no relatives from either of our families.

We are here!

Several months after the wedding, that longed for but dreaded day finally came when my in-laws graced us with their presence in Ohio. It was a memorable weekend.

Our first meeting was awkward and replete with niceties and nervousness.  My in-laws were kind and courteous. Occasionally, they groaned when I drove like a moving glacier (alas, I was in a small town in Ohio) and gasped and winced when I spoke about the quality of American cars compared to Japanese cars. I was oblivious to the fact that they were from Detroit—also known as Motor City. It was obvious that more work had to be done in areas of confidence building and bridging our real or imagined conflicts.

A unique woman

My then-mother-in-law, Patricia, passed away in 1998. She was the total package: beautiful, smart, educated, inquisitive, caring, and family-oriented. She was the principal of a school for disabled children. She genuinely tried to know me as a person and asked many questions about my country and culture. I, in turn, admired and appreciated her. Later, when she made her annual trip to visit us in California, she was a hands-on grandma to my kids. She was resolute in her love for them, and they adored her. She spoke the Queen’s English and utterly eschewed all slang. I never heard her use foul language. She was an avid reader and introduced me to Alice Walker, the author of The Color Purple, long before Steven Spielberg made the novel into a movie. Initially, I would say “No” when she offered me something I did not want, and her usual response was succinct: “You mean, ‘No, thank you.’”

Her husband, Ike, now 91, was more reserved and difficult to read. He was not happy that “daddy’s girl” had left the nest and married to a young man from another continent. He wanted to protect his daughter and do what was best for her. He once grumbled that he wanted his daughter to marry a physician or a lawyer. I even ignored the little digs and disses that came from him at one big family gathering in Michigan about life in Africa in general and clean water there in particular. His wife later apologized to me for his uncouth behavior. I respected him rather than vilifying him, welcomed him with open arms, and never shunned him.

Take my son-in-law, please

One winter day, my in-laws, who owned a vacation house at a lake near Jackson, Michigan, had their boat drift off the dock. Ike and I were asked to drive the 78 miles from Detroit to Jackson to retrieve the boat. My then-wife told her dad to watch out for me because I did not know how to swim. “Don’t worry,” he said, laughing, “He will be fine.”

As my father-in-law and I took a small canoe to get the loose boat, my head was buzzing with negative thoughts. Are we going to sink? Will we make it? One sinister thought was that maybe my father-in-law finally had the chance to get rid of me, the annoying son-in-law, once and for all. All he had to do was flip the canoe in the middle of the lake. My natural instinct for survival and self-preservation suddenly became questionable. Then, in those tense moments, I heard his calm, but collected, voice: “You are doing well, Hassan.” His words filled me with peace and I relaxed. Ironically, that excursion gave us the rare opportunity to understand each other better. As the years went by, he came around and once told his daughter that I was “a fine, young man.”

Bon Appetit

I had no major issues with my mother-in-law except when it came to food. She was health-conscious and perhaps the only person I have ever met who paid such clinical attention to what she ate. I saw nothing but green food in our house when she visited. One day she offered to prepare my lunch.  At noon when I opened my lunch bag, I saw nothing but salad. I was furious at the sight of food without meat. At the time, I did not care much about vegetables. Whenever I was presented with vegetables, I would growl: “Take that away from me. I am not a goat!” The salad was a surprise, but then came the bombshell: There was no dressing. As I sat seething with anger, one of my co-workers, Lorenzo, asked what the problem was. “It’s my mother-in-law,” I said, sheepishly. “She gave me a salad for lunch and no dressing.” He broke into rapturous laughter. His lighthearted moment saved the day, and I almost forgot about my culinary letdown.

It is a woman’s world

Interestingly, most conflicts are not between husbands and their mothers-in-law. Research by Cambridge University psychologist Terri Apter has shown that most conflicts with in-laws arise between wives and their mother-in-law. In her book, What do you want from me? Learning to get along with in-laws, she argued that this “woman-to-woman” conflict is due to unmet expectations that are not delineated. Apter wrote, “Each is the primary woman in her primary family. As each tries to establish or protect her status, each feels threatened by the other.”

However, in-laws have legitimate concerns that cannot be ignored. In a study by Sylvia L. Mikucki-Enyart of the University of Wisconsin, the majority of the 89 mothers who were surveyed about their greatest worries regarding their children’s marriage expressed more uncertainty and insecurity about their sons marrying than their daughters tying the knot. Those fears mostly involved concerns that their sons would not be taken care of, that they would not visit their moms very often, and that the daughter-in-law would change the son.

One thing that is no joke is that tensions with in-laws can be hazardous to your health. In a 2009 study from Cambridge University, 60% of women said they were stressed due to their relationships with their in-laws, whereas only 15% of men felt the same way.

Recommendations

1.      Your mother-in-law is a part of your family. You chose your spouse, but not your in-laws. As Dr. Phil once said, “If you plan on sticking with your spouse, then you are also stuck with your in-laws.” As an example, one woman cooked a sumptuous meal for her in-laws. When her mother-in-law asked about the recipe, she responded, “It is a family secret, so I don’t give it out.” The daughter-in-law committed a faux pas because she forgot that her mother-in-law was also a part of her family.

2.      Your mother-in-law raised her son—your husband—well enough for you to marry him. She was the woman in his life long before you met him. She must have done a good job. Treat her with respect and courtesy.

3.      Age, experience, and wisdom are what in-laws bring to the table. You can learn a great deal from your mother-in-law if you show her an open mind.

4.      A bad relationship with in-laws always affects your children. Your mother-in-law is someone who cares a great deal about your children and loves them unconditionally. Grandparents are assets, not liabilities.

5.      Communicate with your in-laws and tell them about your expectations. This helps remove uncertainties and draw boundaries.

6.      “Mi casa es su casa” (my house is your house) is a noble approach for dealing with in-laws. You can communicate to your in-laws about family events, children’s activities, your parental expectations, and the best times to visit. You do not want to experience what the late American comedian Joan Rivers complained about: “I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’”

Try to know your mother-in-law as a person and accept her for who she is. There is more to her than just her status as your in-law. I once saw a quotation from the Sprit Science website that read: “The greatest gift you can give someone is your time, attention, your love, and your concern.”

(Reprinted with permission from Sahan Journal, October 25, 2016).

All in the Family: Polticis in the South West State

When the hyena is the judge, the goat has no rights.

-- An African proverb.

Recently, Somalia’s South West State (SW) presented a list of candidates for the country’s Upper House. The list was orderly, timely, and even met the 30% quota for female representation. The seamless way in which the list was presented garnered praise and adulation from certain circles in the international community. It was, after all, a lot better than the political wrangling taking place in other regional states such as Jubaland, Galmudug, and Puntland for selecting their respective potential members for the Federal Upper House. In reality, there are palpable reasons why the SW’s selection process went smoothly: utter corruption.

The SW state leader, Sharif Hassan, is paradoxically malleable and does not bargain hard in getting the region’s share for national political positions. Both Somaliland and Puntland received an extra three members, a total of 11, for their share in the Upper House. The SW was allotted eight and there was no fuss or grumbling.

The federal commission for elections has four members from the SW who are all Mirifle. This means, no representatives from Biyamaal, Digil, and other groups in the region. The SW state election committee is another matter. It is headed by none other than Mohamed Abdullahi Mursal, the state minister for the Office of the Presidency and a nephew of Sharif Hassan. Mursal is a young man with no prior government experience before his uncle made him the de facto premier in the SW. Why a state minister would preside on the state’s election commission is beyond the pale. For one thing, the state is run by Mursal’s family and the ultimate boss is Uncle Sharif Hassan. The state is a family fiefdom on the one hand and a money-making machine of self-enrichment for its members on the other.  Sharif Hassan appoints who he wants and removes who he wants. Got any problems with that?

Sharif Hassan is not all about money. He has political cronies who prop him up and give him the political cover to appear that his administration has representation from other groups. One family has been an important political ally.

The Ibrow Factor

Warsame Ibrahim Aliyow Ibrow is the sultan of Jiido, a sub-clan of Digil. Ibrow—no need to jot down his name because you will be hearing it a lot—is a Somali American from Minnesota. This young man (see, SW loves to invest in youth) came from a prominent family in the town of Qoryooley. His father was a traditional chieftain who passed away in 2012 and Warsame was selected to lead his people. Why Warsame? According to an interview Warsame gave to Somali-Mai TV, he was unique among his male siblings because he had an aptitude for all things political; he followed Somalia’s current affairs from his comfort in Minnesota, and even studied International Relations. Impressive, right?  Warsame, who was coroneted in Minneapolis’ Little Mogadishu, immediately ingratiated himself with Sharif Hassan, then the speaker of the National Parliament. The two formed an alliance that gave the old notion “scratch my back and I will scratch yours” a new meaning. Ibrow’s unholy alliance with Sharif Hassan has reaped some tangible benefits:

1.       Sayid-Ali Ibrahim Hassanow Ibrow is the deputy head of the state election commission. He is a cousin of Warsame. Sayid-Ali has neither government experience nor education. Why bother?

2.      Zamzam Ibrahim Aliyow Ibrow, a candidate for the National Upper House, is a cousin of Warsame. Her mother is Kuushow Aliyow Ibrow. I told you, the Ibrow name is becoming a brand name in the SW. Zamzam has no experience in government.

3.      Salim Aliyow Ibrow, Warsame’s uncle, has been promised to be included in the next Federal Parliament, which is coming to a theater near you. Salim is the sister of Kuushow Aliyow Ibrow. Are you still with me? Now, this Salim Ibrow—I am not joking—is uniquely qualified to be a parliamentarian. He is a veteran politician and an intellectual who had held many cabinet positions. See, not all Ibrows belong in a basket of incompetents.

The 16 members selected as candidates for the Upper House from the SW have one thing in common: They are not expected to defy Sharif Hassan’s wishes. Many of these are unknown quantities who have been, as a SW politician recently said, “dad laga soo aruuriyay dariiqyada” (people gathered from the streets). Only eight will make the final cut. Speaking of streets, one guy was a street vendor, one a taxi driver, and one woman sold Qat, a mild stimulant plant. A word of caution: selling Qat is a promising career in the SW because Sharif Hassan himself was once a Qat trader before he entered politics. In fairness, Ibrahim Ali Ahmed “Ayatullah,” a candidate for the upper house, was a former school principal.

The next process is the selection of the SW members for the next Federal Parliament. It does not look good. President Sharif Hassan has been asking for $50, 000 per slot from those aspiring for that position. That’s 50% off the original price. He realized that $100k was too steep for the sons and daughters of the SW. The region lacks nouveau riches who are willing to invest in a corrupt system, i.e., a$50k in Cadaado, Garowe, and Kismayo for a political position is peanuts. Sharif Hassan has made it clear to wanna-be parliamentarians to cough up the dough or else they can kiss that lucrative job goodbye. It is not clear if the money—like a marriage dowry—can be paid in advance or if it can be paid at a later date.

Sharif Hassan, who will declare for the national presidency soon, has been collecting a war chest for that race.  Rest assured though, there is little chance he will be the next Somali president. His major goal is to become a kingmaker, a job he is qualified for. He has told some of his close friends that he wants his half-brother, Mohamed Haji Abdinur “Madeer” (now the Somali Health Minister), to become the next premier. It is not a crime in the SW to dream big. Did I mention that PM Omar Abdirashid Sharmarke, a close ally of Sharif Hassan, sacked two female cabinet members in June 2016? One of them was Hawo Mohamed Hassan (Mirifle-Hadamo) in favor of Madeer. Talk about election politics! Unfortunately, there is only one female cabinet minister left in Somalia today. One thing is clear: President HSM, who supported his PM’s misogynist, Trump-like action, is not courting women votes.

In a nutshell, the SW is a state in which Sharif Hassan acts as though he owns it. He has made sure to exclude capable SW figures from his administration. He wants to banish Mohamed Osman Jawari, the speaker of the Federal Parliament, and Mohamed Adan “Fargeeto,” the national Finance Minister, from future national government. Okay, I know Jawari has been a major disappointment. At any rate, Sharif Hassan does not care much about the international community because he knows how to manipulate the system. As long as his cronies are taken care of politically, and the federal guidelines for selecting members for both chambers of parliament are superficially met, then it is fine.

Now, which was the first state to furnish the list of candidates for the Federal Upper House? Just checking if you are still paying attention.

Mogadishu: Between Miracles and Maladies

Background: A well-placed Somali businessperson sent me this letter via e-mail. It is poignant and bold, straddling between hope and despair, frustration and relief, boom and bust. It is also a testament to the miracles taking place in the capital as well as the maladies it is suffering. 

***

Dear Hassan:

Mogadishu, your beloved city, is in great turmoil, politically and security-wise, and more than at any other time, there is a lack of cash and capital movement within the capital’s business community.  A general sentiment of hopelessness and despair are palpable in the eyes of city dwellers

My child suddenly fell sick, and I had no choice but to take him abroad for medical treatment.  Why did I do that? Mogadishu has two good working hospitals run by a Turkish medical team, but despite their good will, communication difficulties render their selfless services inadequate for medical treatment and, more importantly, psychological healing. The doctors only speak Turkish, which leads to confusion among the Somali translators about the medical terminology and means that the medicine instructions are written only in Turkish. Consequently, the patients feel miserable because they cannot understand their doctor.  Because they do not understand their doctor, patients do not know the source of their illness or how the doctors are treating it. Even so, we are a hundred times better off than before. 

Despite the sophisticated medical instruments and well-prepared doctors, patients in the Turkish hospitals are confused and hopeless.  In short, the Turkish doctors are unable to heal the Somali patients’ illness by inspiring, explaining, and convincing them that everything will be fine. In addition, no one believes in their medicine, which is much better and more effective than that of the Somali doctors.  When I assessed the problems of Mogadishu’s best hospitals, I tried to explain their weaknesses to a senior Turkish diplomat.  He promised to take the necessary steps; hopefully, he will actually do something.

Let me tell you about Mogadishu’s health system.  Three are three profitable businesses in Mogadishu. The first is hotels—but not anymore.  Because al-Shabaab has targeted more than ten big hotels in the capital, people prefer to rent houses. As a result, Mogadishu’s hotels are empty and almost bankrupt. The second is medicine.  Mogadishu has more than forty small hospitals run by Somali doctors.  These hospitals have their own pharmacies and labs, which are the source of their profit because the cost for a visit is only ten dollars and sometimes less than that.  Doctors gain profit from their businesses by selling a lot of medicine to patients, many of which are unnecessary for their illness. Unfortunately, 500 mg. of antibiotics may contain only 50 mg—sometimes less than that.  The patients enter the Somali-owned medical office and go home with 10 to 12 types of medicine that will not cure their sickness.  Their only hope is that the doctor is Somali, and he or she can explain and give assurance that they will see a good result within a week, which does happen sometimes. The third and final business is universities.  Every month a new university springs up.  Thousands of people enroll in these institutions without having received the necessary secondary education.  Every year these schools are producing medical doctors, engineers, computer science experts, nurses, and lawyers whose education is equal to a high school standard.

Let me go back to the political turmoil.  There are a few months [this letter was written in April, 2016] left in this government’s term. There is a lot to be done in this short time.  I don't know if we can make it, but no one has the courage to say that the plan of getting a parliament, president, prime minister and ministers in place by October 2016 is extremely ambitious. Every one of us, in business and politics alike, seems drunk or, more precisely, shamelessly indifferent about the final result and deadlines.

I am worried about Somalia’s future. What is happening now reminds me of what happened in 1992.  We have too many international contenders who are competing to exploit Somalia’s economic opportunities and strategic location. Between us, we are just contending clans, and clans cannot be a nation.

By the grace of Allah, everything will work perfectly, and by the end of the year, we will have a better government for our beloved country.

Mona al-Sharmani: Facts or Fiction

Mona al-Sharmani is one of the attorneys who have represented Somalia’s legal case before the International Court of Justice (ICJ) in the Hague, Netherland. Kenya and Somalia are embroiled in a maritime dispute that is currently before the International Court of Justice. 

Mona’s name has gone viral on social media because many Somalis are proud of her and the way she has presented the Somali case. Unfortunately, I have seen many posts on social networks that are inaccurate and misleading. The goal here is to parse facts from fiction.

Who is Mona al-Sharmani?

Mona was born in Somalia in the late 1960s to Mohamed Ali al-Sharmani and Hawo “Sharmaan.” Her father, better known as “Sharmaan” is a product of a Somali Arab (Yemeni) father and Mirifle (Rahanweyn) mother. Hawo, Mona’s mom, is Shiikhaal (father) and Abgaal (mother). Sharmaan is a veteran Somali military officer and a diplomat. He was a classmate and close friend of Mohamed Ali Samatar (former Vice-President, Defense Minister, and Chief of Staff) and Abdalla Mohamed Fadil (a former Somali cabinet member). Sharmaan served as a member of the military tribunal established by Siad Barre’s Somali Revolutionary Council (SRC); he was posted to both Cairo and Moscow as a military attaché in the 1970s, and finally became Somalia’s ambassador to Iran and then Algeria. He is currently retired and living in Phoenix, Arizona.

Mona’s mother and her older brother, Abdulkadir, were also junior diplomats in the Somali embassies of Egypt and Sweden, respectively. Mona’s sister, Mulki, is a professor in Finland and was the main organizer of this summer’s conference of Somali Studies, which was held in Helsinki.

Mona has degrees from Egypt and advanced graduate degrees from Johns Hopkins University and Harvard. She has also worked for a law firm in New York.

Mona and her family care a great deal about Somalia. Although Mona left Somalia as a child and grew up in Egypt, she has always been committed to serving her country and offered her legal services to Somalia’s Permanent Mission at the United Nations. Her father was the main force encouraging her to help her native country, and he has always been proud of her. Mona excelled in her education and is fluent both in Arabic and English.

Several years ago, Mona’s family suffered a tragedy when one of her younger brothers joined the al-Shabaab recruiting ring in Seattle, Washington. He was later killed in Somalia. The loss was devastating to the family, which was caught off guard by the young man’s radicalism and ultimate demise.

In a nutshell, Mona represents what is good about patriotism, national service, and work ethic. She has made a name for herself through her education, extensive legal experience, and service. She is not from a “minority group” as some have said, but rather she is a symbol of an entire country and a nation. She is too big to be pigeonholed to a simple and iniquitous tribal classification.

Finally, Mona is a proud daughter, sister, and aunt. We have only seen the beginnings of what she can do for her native country. There is more to come. Stay tuned.

Umal and Faisal: Clash of the Titans

The Internet is buzzing with talk about a Somali cleric and an American-based highbrow who has riled him.

Two years ago, a public debate, better known in Somali as "Fagaaraha," was held in Minneapolis in which Faisal Roble, a renowned writer and political analyst based in Los Angeles, participated along with another speaker, Mohamed Abdi. This was number 14 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZdw57yBbrI) of that series of debates, which have recently degenerated into political chatter and a sideshow. The guest speakers were asked the following political question: "Do you agree with Somalia implementing Islam?" With unusual candor and utter seriousness, Faisal responded: "No, I do not agree with Somalia being governed by Islamic rule." Abdi followed and agreed with his "friend, Faisal," but added that the American founding fathers had astutely separated church and state and that these leaders "were smarter, more educated, and more experienced than us (Somalis)" when they chose that path. That was, in short, the major excerpt from that infamous debate.

There was no public reaction to the video in 2014 and it was soon forgotten, or so it seemed.

One group, with limited reach but a virulent radical ideology, noticed it immediately and had a quick response. Al-Shabaab's Andalus Radio devoted an entire hour in December 2014 to discussing the incident. The guest on that program was none other than Sheikh Abdulkhadir Mumin, then a religious scholar with the radical group and now the head of Somalia's ISIS branch. Mumin excoriated the two "secular" Somali speakers in the U.S. for their transgression in denying "God's rule" and for imbibing "Western and anti-Islamic ideology."

Then, a few months ago, the video resurfaced, but this time it went viral. Suddenly, everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Sheikh Mohamed A. Umal, a popular Somali religious scholar based in Kenya, saw it and immediately responded to what he termed a carefully calibrated attempt by these "two Westernized, American-educated professors to lead the Somali people astray." Umal denounced attempts to keep Muslims in Somalia from implementing Islam and Sharia. He was followed by another cleric based in Puntland who added more fuel to the fire. In short, the cleric in Puntland hectored and lashed out at Faisal and Abdi calling for all Somalis to fight and defend their religion from the duo’s "insidious, secular war against Islam."

Last month, one of the speakers in question, Abdi, released a short video in which he responded to Umal and his colleague in Puntland. The response, unfortunately, failed to impress. Abdi denied being "an enemy of Islam" and Sharia because he is, in his words, an avowed Muslim who "prays five times a day, fasts, and pays Zakat (alms-giving)." His friend, Faisal, a man never shy with his opinions, took the exceedingly rare step of not commenting on Umal's attacks.

Sheikh Umal enjoys immense popularity with many Somalis due to his knowledge of Islam, supple mind, and facility with words. He is considered the public face of Somalia's Salafis and their attempt to pursue a puritanical approach to Islam. He has also been a lightning rod for controversy. In 2015, the Kenyan government put him on a list of individuals allegedly tied to Al-Shabaab and hence banned him and froze his property. The ban was lifted shortly, but with no government explanation. Several years ago, Umal issued a fatwa (a religious edit) in which he said eating the meat of the hyena is permissible. The fatwa flew in the face of Somalis’ beliefs as they have always refrained from eating carnivorous animals. It also generated wide criticism from other Somali religious scholars. Even so, Umal stuck to his guns and never wavered. Interestingly, his fatwa concurred with another issued by Al-Shabaab. In fairness, if there is one thing Faisal Roble and Umal have in common, it is that both have been condemned by Al-Shabaab for being secular (Faisal) and heretic (Umal). Secularism, in the eyes of Al-Shabaab, is tantamount to being an unbeliever.

Faisal Roble is an influential political analyst and former editor-in- chief of Wardheernews. He is also an effective public speaker who is regularly invited to speak on the lecture circuit and at media events in North America. Like any prominent figure, depending on whom you ask, many people admire him and others revile him. Mentioning his name in certain circles can unleash a powerful response. Some of his supporters have lashed out at Umal for his "unfair “condemnation of Faisal. They believe Umal overreacted to the video, thereby creating a problem where none existed. Then, there were other friends who felt the lingering discomfort that comes from seeing their hero commit a major blunder. Faisal's rejection of Sharia implementation was too obvious and emphatic to defend. They bristled with indignation: "Does he really believe that?"

The clash between Faisal and Umal is a manifestation of the rise and emergence of the fatwa machine among clerics, the growing disengagement of some Somali educated class from the majority of Somalis, and the trivialization of debates that fail to address the issues gripping the country.

Umal and his colleagues live in their own cosmos. They have a penchant for issuing fatwas right and left like an assembly line, and that at times gives the impression of an easy way of out of addressing serious problems. He has condemned, among other things, the Somali provisional constitution, holding elections, forming the National Parliament, establishing political parties, credit cards, and most forms of hawala as un-Islamic.  Several years ago, about 22 Somali Salafi clerics met in Nairobi and issued a fatwa calling another Somali Salafi scholar a heretic; see  my article, "Somalia's Salafi Groups and the Fatwa Wars," (Wardheernews, November 21, 2012). Sometimes these fights verge on the bizarre and some clerics have ended up being ”excommunicated" from Islam.

Then there is the growing gap between Somalia’s educated elite in the West and their public calls prescribing "Western values" for Somalia, a conservative Muslim country. In other words, what is good for London or Paris, the argument goes, must be good for Mogadishu. It is noble to borrow what is good from other cultures, but blindly following other countries and imposing their values on Somalia would never work. For example, George W. Bush tried to export "democracy" to Iraq and we all know what happened. Muktar M. Omer has eloquently written about the dilemma faced by "some" (not all, mind you) Somali secularists in dealing with their brethren and their country. In his article, "Hating Abdalla, Loving Johnny: Idiosyncrasies of the Westernized Somalis" (Sahan Journal, June 14, 2015), Omer singled out what he called "a confrontational sect within the larger secular Somali communities—a vocal sect which adores Western values, ideas, and mannerisms and abhors Somali culture and values as practiced by the majority of Somalis." 

The late Egyptian literary figure and former education minister, Dr. Taha Hussein, identified with such a vocal sect when he advocated in his book, The Future of Culture in Egypt, that his country could only progress if it followed not the "East" (a euphemism for Islam and Muslim culture) but the West. "We have to follow the Western civilization," argued Hussein, "in all its manifestations and experiences including its good, bad, and ugly."

Perhaps, one can question the way these public debates are held to discuss the issues ailing Somalia. The debates are sensational and entertaining. Whether to establish Islamic rule in Somalia is a matter worthy of discussion. However, this would require a serious debate that involves people who are knowledgeable of the subject at hand. Neither Faisal nor Abdi have shown any grasp of the vast, complicated topic of Sharia rule. It is a topic that affects Somalia as one militant group is bent on imposing its draconian brand of Sharia.  Does Somalia want the current crop of Islamic groups to rule the country and apply their narrow version of Sharia? The answer is an emphatic no. Applying Sharia, as has been advocated by knowledgeable Islamic thinkers, requires deep commitment and understanding of freedom, liberty, social justice, and the sanctity of human life and dignity. These are values, these scholars argue, that can be found in the Qur'an and hence are embedded in Sharia (broadly conceived). Unfortunately, many see Sharia as merely amputating limbs and stoning criminals.

Either public and exhaustive debates about these political and social issues are held or we adopt the Somali novelist Nuradin Farah's approach. Many years ago, the novelist was invited to speak by the University of San Diego and a local Somali community group. He was asked about Somali youth and an issue of morality. Farah pondered momentarily and then said: "That is an issue you have to ask your religious scholars."  I thought Farah was too smart to walk into a subject full of mines. Or, perhaps, the novelist simply wanted to defer the matter to people who are well versed in the subject. Either way, his response is worth noting.

Facebook and Relationships: Blessing or Curse?

Within recent memory, my then wife got mad at me for something I said. What was I thinking? In truth, I wasn’t thinking. However, what was an infraction in my eyes was a felony in hers. I talked to her, clarified my intention, and apologized profusely. I was still in the doghouse, but slowly I felt I was being forgiven. After a while, I thought the incident was behind us, but that was a premature assessment. In fact, it was wishful thinking.

One day, I found out I was no longer my wife’s friend on FB.  Ladies and gentlemen, I had been quietly and unceremoniously unfriended by none other than my wife.

I was livid and felt jilted, rejected. How could she do something egregious like that? I teetered between being angry and being disappointed.

No, this was not an infraction on her part, I rationalized, but a declaration of war.

Apparently, I found out, she had made her decision before we buried the hatchet. She was, of course, understandably irate when she decided to boot me from her friends list.

I talked to her about the matter, but she smiled and went about her business. One day, I jokingly brought up the issue with her and her female friends and told a story about an unidentified husband who was once unfriended by his own wife. Her friends were not amused: Some had to suppress a chuckle, others simply winced at me. Much to my chagrin, all her friends blamed the man. “What did he do,” they all asked, “for him to be unfriended?”  To them, this poor husband must have done something “bad” and “reprehensible.”

True to her nature, my wife showed magnanimity and offered to “befriend” me again. By then, I had come to the conclusion that it was not a bad idea for us not to be friends on FB. Although I only had less than 2 percent of female friends on FB, my wife had a penchant for gently prodding and quizzing me about them.   Not being the jealous type, she was merely curious about these women.

A bold man

“I love my wife to death,” proclaimed a New York therapist, Ian Kanter, “But I do not need to be her Facebook friend.”

Kanter thought it was better for his marriage not to be friends with his wife on social media. “I didn’t want all the extra information,” he told Public Radio International. “If anything, I wanted less information—I wanted more mystery and more unpredictability.” Any element of mystery is good for the relationship.

In this day and age of digital explosion, married couples have little time for each other. A 2014 Pew Research Center survey found that 25 percent of those polled who are in a long-term relationship complained that their loved ones were “distracted by their mobile phone while they were together.” About 8 percent consistently quarreled over time spent on the Internet.

“Put your devices down,” roared Kanter.

Facebook as a medium can cause rifts in a relationship. Too much use, according to studies, can have adverse effects on a relationship. A recent study published in the Journal of Cyperpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking found a correlation between relationship stability and FB usage. Those who check this medium more than once an hour “experience Facebook-related conflict with their romantic partners.” The problem, according to the study, is that FB use might lead to misunderstanding and jealousy often created by connections with ex-lovers and possible emotional and physical cheating.

A new legal phrase “Facebook divorce” refers to the increasing marital dissolutions that have happened due to information uncovered through the medium. These include, but are not limited to, flirty messages with old flames and exchanging photos which in turn become evidence in court. One British study found that 66 percent of divorce lawyers had cited FB “as the primary source of evidence in a divorce case.”

One American clergy, Reverend Cedric Miller, in New Jersey was so mad at FB that he asked members of his congregation to close their accounts because the social network is “a portal of infidelity.” The cleric was concerned because 20 couples in his congregation had been led astray by the use of FB.   The medium alleged the cleric, facilitated spouses to re-connect with ex-lovers, which in turn led to bitterness and undue strain in their marriage.

“Readily available communication on Facebook,” says John Grohol—the CEO and founder of Psych Central—“leads people to pursue temptation or engage in risky behavior.” He added, in an interview with The Huffington Post, “Facebook makes it easy to engage in less inhabited communication—which can lead to taking risks we wouldn’t ordinarily take in our everyday life.”

A word of caution

A few guidelines will help you protect yourself when using Facebook:

1.      Be careful of what you post for your friends. Not every friend on FB, it is said, is a true friend. The word ‘friend” has unfortunately lost its meaning in today’s social media. Your ‘friends’ may post damaging information about you and there is little you can do about it.

2.      In case you have forgotten, whatever you post—and its contents— belongs to FB.

3.      Your postings can be used against you in a court of law. I have seen a California prosecutor   present, as evidence, 45,000 pages of FB postings allegedly used by gang members.

4.      Employers have been mining FB for information to weed out job applicants or keep tabs on their employees. One woman called in sick one day and took her children to the zoo. Her husband inadvertently posted pictures of the family standing in front of the elephant house to her FB account. To say the woman was miffed is an understatement.

5.      Facebook can be helpful in connecting with family and friends. It is also a source of valuable information. It is, however, how you use it that can adversely affect your relationship. You do not want to keep checking your FB account more than you check on your life partner.  As one wise person once said, “Couples that fail to make one another the centerpiece of their life are straddling the red zone.”

 (Courtesy: Sahan Journal, August 22, 2016).