Courtship and Marriage: The Somali Experience in America (Introduction)

Eight years ago, at a traffic light in a California city, I sensed that someone was staring at me from the next car on the right. When I glanced over, I saw “Firdowsa” (not her real name) smiling and waving at me. I waved back and opened my car window. “Hassan, I am so fortunate!  I finally married the right man,” she said in jubilation. “Nin baa igu dhacay” (What a man I have found!), she added. I knew exactly who Firdowsa was talking about. It was “Adan,” also a friend of mine. In fact, I had known Firdowsa and Adan for many years. She was then in her mid-thirties, tall, pretty with an attractive figure, and a vibrant, bubbly personality.  Adan was in his late forties, educated, modest, and a social magnet. Before coming to the United States, he had been politically active back home against the Siad Barre regime.

The couple’s marriage was unique. They seemed happy and sincere, and spent a lot of time together. Theirs was either a second or third marriage, depending on whom you asked. After they tied the knot, Adan changed: He dressed better, stopped smoking, and gained needed extra pounds. Firdowsa was the same person, except she never missed an opportunity to brag about her husband. Many members of the community were pleased about their marriage because the couple was very popular.

About three years later, Firdowsa and Adan decided to split. It was shocking news to many of us who knew them and genuinely rooted for them to succeed. That can’t be, many people thought. However, it was true. Indeed, the way the divorce happened was so acrimonious that community members could do nothing but roll their eyes in bewilderment. Firdowsa’s complaints about Adan were so detailed they bordered on the salacious and even the absurd. Somalis normally do not talk about bedroom woes but Firdowsa did. Adan did not defend himself against the serious charges levelled against him but instead went on the offensive. He accused his former wife of being mentally unbalanced.

 “She takes medication for her mental illness,” he explained calmly and quite vindictively.  

Because of my friendship with the couple, I chose to be neutral during their war of words and said nothing. Secretly though, I was stupefied and had a hard time understanding the reasons for the split. This couple was unique, I thought. They would go out of their way to brag about their supposed happiness. What had gone wrong? In time, the couple moved on and met other people.  Adan married twice more, but none of his marriages panned out.

I have always asked myself what makes a good spouse. My biased view is that we men are generally responsible for most divorces. In my humble research of the literature on relationships, I have concluded there are three major ingredients for a successful marriage. The absence of any one of these components is testimony to a flawed marriage. The ingredients of a good marriage are communication, affection, and respect. 

Communication: Couples are always communicating to each other, but many are unaware they are. Many spouses frequently complain, “We are no longer communicating,” which usually means the wrong vibes are being exchanged. Communication is both verbal and non-verbal, with the latter comprising 93% of all communication. Body language, such as gestures, posture, eye contact, facial expressions, and hand and feet movements, are true expressions of one’s moods and attitudes.

Positive ways of communicating verbally with your spouse include telling her you love her, appreciate her, and think about her when you are at work and away. There is an anecdote about a wife who reprimanded her husband for not telling her he loved her. The husband protested and said, “Honey, but I told you that last month.” The good mate is one who avoids saying hurtful things or raises his voice. There are some words a man should never utter in anger such as “never” and “always.” For instance, phrases such as “always late” or “never helpful” are likely to make the wife feel both defensive and angry. It is also better to avoid any name calling. As the well-known American talk show host, Dr. Phil, advises, “Make sure your sentences have verbs.”

Non-verbal communication is crucial too because it involves certain body language that can turn off your spouse. One of the biggest complaints many women have about their husbands is that they just don’t listen. Men are often engrossed in reading a newspaper or playing with their cell phones when their wives talk to them. Giving your wife full attention when she talks to you is important because she would not tell you something if it was not important to her. “Before marriage,” the late humorist Helen Rowland once wrote while addressing women, “a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” By listening to your wife, you are giving her what she wants most—a sympathetic ear. She is seeking someone who will listen to her, not a problem solver who is only too quick to dispense advice.

Affection: A good husband is one who demonstrates that he loves his wife through his actions. This aspect is perhaps one of the biggest challenges for many men because it requires self-discipline and commitment. Touching is very important in a relationship because it brings a couple closer and cements their bond. Non-sexual touches such as holding hands, hugging, and back rubbing will tell your spouse you care.

Many marriages become stale because the couples settle for the unchanging routines of their daily lives. Couples who make special time for each other by organizing weekend getaways or taking vacations, strengthen their bond. Courting does not begin and end before marriage; it should be continuous. Furthermore, doing little things for your spouse makes her appreciate you more.

Respect: Respect encompasses several important areas of a marriage. Respect means understanding that your spouse is different to you and has different interests, needs, and ways of doing things. Accepting your spouse for who she is and not trying to change her is a hallmark of respect.  Respect means understanding that your wife is as smart as you are, and there is no need to insist she does everything your way. Respect means not being a tyrant, but being a team player who is gentle and kind, a man who consults with his wife, keeps his promises, does not lie or cheat, and apologizes for his mistakes. Respect means sharing responsibilities and becoming an asset at home, not a liability. Respect means when you are home, you are there both physically and mentally. You do not bring your work woes home nor make home a place for your sole entertainment. Many men, when at home, just watch sports on TV and never bother to acknowledge their wives or children.

What follows this introduction is a ten-part series that addresses courtship, marriage, and the Somali experience in the United States. These articles are neither an indictment of Somalis nor a generalization of the Somali community. They are true stories reflecting only the characters involved in them. 

 

Dad in the Delivery Room: A Help or a Hindrance

Should a father be allowed in the delivery room against the mother’s wishes?

A New Jersey court recently ruled that the mother has every right not to let the father in the delivery room during the birth of their child. Judge Suhail Mohammed wrote, “Any interest a father has before the child’s birth is subordinate to the mother’s interest.”

Perhaps, a bit of background is in order here. Rebecca DeLuccia and Steven Plotnick were engaged when Rebecca got pregnant. The couple then planned that Steven would be actively involved in the baby’s birth. However, as DeLuccia’s pregnancy advanced, the couple split, and Plotnick became convinced he would not be able to witness the birth of his child. Accordingly, he filed a lawsuit claiming DeLuccia was planning not to let him sign the child’s birth certificate, inform him when she went into labor, and allow him to be present during delivery.  DeLuccia denied the first two claims but stated she would “request her privacy in the delivery room.” DeLuccia promised that Plotnick could visit the child after delivery. Plotnick was furious and insisted on being present during the delivery.

Judge Mohammed sided with DeLuccia citing New Jersey and federal laws that protect the rights of a hospital patient. Mohammed further added that Plotnick’s presence in the delivery room could “add to an already stressful situation,” in a manner that “could endanger both the mother and the fetus.”

I must admit Plotnick is an intriguing character. He had the audacity to sue his former fiancé so he could be in the delivery room. Many men would steer clear of the birth chamber; others would beg their insistent wives to be excused from attending the delivery. I have a personal story about this subject. 

In the 1980s my then wife and I started attending a pregnancy class called “Lamaze.” The class was conducted by a nurse named Pamela, a no-nonsense woman in her forties who grew up in Ohio. My wife, a native of Michigan, got along well with Pam, who seemed a bit cool toward me. Perhaps it had a lot to do with her difficulty understanding my English accent. She knew I was an international student attending Ohio University. Her aloofness could also have been because she sensed something odd about me, namely, my subtle indifference to her class and its purpose. She was absolutely right.  Frankly, I was not a believer in the class or the Lamaze method.

The Lamaze technique originated in France, developed by the French obstetrician Ferdinand Lamaze. It is a set of techniques that help women cope with pain during labor and delivery instead of resorting to medical intervention. It involves breathing and relaxation techniques and other natural ways to relieve pain. My wife read about Lamaze and became a fan. When she told me about it, I thought the whole idea was bizarre but decided to support her. I went along with the idea of attending the class twice a week. My view was that when the time came for the delivery, all these pain-relieving techniques would go out the window.  Four or five couples were in our class, so each couple worked as a team during practice and, of course, during delivery.  The class, which cost a few hundred dollars, was helpful in learning the process of labor and delivery and assuaged our fears about the new adventure of giving birth.

We attended the class religiously for a few weeks. Pam was an excellent instructor and motivator. After several weeks of instruction, we graduated and decided to hold an appreciation dinner for Pam at Pizza Hut. I was happy that the class was over and felt relieved, but I also knew that the baby was due soon.

D-Day arrived one or two months later. It was December 3 when my wife and I headed to O’Bleness Hospital in Athens, Ohio. The labor was intense, slow, and plodding. It was the middle of the night when it came time to deliver.  Nurses, assistant nurses, a physician and I were in the delivery room. The environment seemed chaotic, loud with too many beaming lights. In the midst of all the clamor, I panicked. I started to sweat profusely and felt faint. It seemed I was experiencing a panic attack. The doctor noticed my discomfort and came to my aid. He gently told me it was okay to go outside if I wanted. It was obvious I was a liability in the delivery room; perhaps he did not want to have a second patient on his hands. I went outside but stayed near the delivery suite. All my efforts to learn and master breathing techniques in our Lamaze class had come to naught. Shortly, my baby daughter Sarah arrived in the world crying and screaming. “Sururi” (My Joy)—as I have since called her— suddenly made me forget all about my stress, anxiety, and—most of all—cracking under pressure.

Many years later, I read an article in the British newspaper, The Mail, in which Michel Odent, a leading French obstetrician, expressed his disapproval of men being in the delivery room. After 50 years of experience as a medical doctor and having overseen 15,000 deliveries, Odent finally came out and advised men to stay away from the delivery suite. In the 1950s, it was unheard of for men to be part of the delivery. However, since the 1970s, it has become acceptable for men to participate in the childbirth process. It is now common in the West for men to be next to their wives as they deliver. Odent, interestingly, viewed this as a bad idea. “The presence of men in the delivery room is not always a positive thing,” he argued. “[The husband’s] presence is a hindrance, and a significant factor [for] why labors are longer, more painful and more likely to result in intervention than ever.”   It is impossible for a woman to feel relaxed when her husband, as tense and stressed as he can be, stands next to her and attempts to soothe her. Moreover, there are some men, Odent added, who are “at risk of being unwell or depressed due to having seen their partners labor.”

Perhaps, Dr. Odent spoke up a tad late for men like me who naturally preferred to steer clear of the delivery room. I could have used his recommendation during the birth of my first child. I come from a culture that views the presence of men in the room as taboo. While it is a personal choice, of course, I find myself agreeing with Dr. Odent. It is much better for men to wait outside the delivery room and express their loving support before and after delivery. There are certain things women do better when they do them alone.  

Finally, Kenya Arrests Radical Cleric Shaikh Hassaan

Two days ago, Kenyan security officers raided the house of Shaikh Hassaan Hussein Adam “Abu Salman,” a radical cleric known for his support of Al-Shabaab. The cleric and his wife were interrogated in Nairobi’s Eastleigh neighborhood before being taken into custody.

Prior to his detention, the Kenyan authorities were aware of the cleric’s influential role among Somali jihadists. Shaikh Hassaan has been the informal mufti of Al-Shabaab, issuing fatwas that justified the terror group’s killings and carnage in Somalia. Last year, the cleric issued his famous fatwa in which he propagated the killing of jihadists who sowed discord among the mujahidin in Somalia. Ahmed Abdi Godane, the Emir of Al-Shabaab, used that same fatwa as a pretext to terminate his rivals in the radical group. Two founders of the militant group—Ibrahim Al-Afghani and Abdihamid Olhaye ‘Moalim Burhan—were killed in the coastal town of Baraawe in Somalia last June.

 

Shaikh Hassaan has been on the United Nations sanctions list for providing material support to Al-Shabaab by raising funds for the group and recruiting new members. In 2011, a UN Security Council report accused the cleric of orchestrating “acts that threaten the peace and security of Somalia.” Over the years, Shaikh Hassaan has been arrested, but was detained for a short period and then released thanks to powerful interlocutors who made sure he was not kept in custody. Shaikh Hassaan belongs to a powerful Somali-Kenyan clan, the Ogaden, which has highly influential political supporters in Kenya. Amongst these were some prominent Somali politicians, including Farah Moalim who, until a year ago, was deputy speaker of the Kenyan parliament.

The detention of Shaikh Hassaan raises serious questions about the timing. Why now and not before?

Several factors are at interplay here that can shed some light on the government’s new move against the cleric.

First, Kenya has been experiencing increasing terrorist attacks from Al-Shabaab; ranging from bombings of churches to the targeted kidnapping and killing of police officers. Last year’s Westgate Mall terrorist attack has emboldened the militant Somali group to rattle the Kenyan populace. But it seems the tide has turned swiftly against Al-Shabaab: on the same day Shaikh Hassaan was arrested, Shaikh Abu-Bakr Sharif Makaburi—another cleric on the UN sanctions list for aiding Al-Shabaab—was publicly killed in Mombasa. The obvious question is whether, in light of Al-Shabaab’s escalating terror attacks, the Kenyan government has had enough and is changing its strategy in dealing with the militant group’s supporters. Are more arrests likely in Nairobi and are further extrajudicial killings a possibility in Mombasa? Although it is not conspicuous, it appears that the Kenyan authorities have a dual approach in dealing with Al-Shabaab sympathizers. In Nairobi, the authorities are targeting Al-Shabaab supporters with arrests and detentions. On the other hand, the liberal use of extrajudicial tactics is being applied to supporters in the coastal areas. Most of the jihadi sympathizers in Nairobi are Somalis, a segment of the population that has a presence among the country’s political elite. The coastal Muslims lack strong political pillars in the government.

Second, Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta and his deputy, William Ruto, for the first time, have started engaging Somali community leaders in the war against Al-Shabaab. On March 29, President Uhuru and Ruto met with Somali businessmen in Eastleigh and with Somali-Kenyan politicians to discuss what needed to be done about Al-Shabaab’s intensifying terror attacks. Uhuru told these leaders the terror attacks must stop. An agreement was reached between the government and the Somali community leaders to cooperate. The Somali leaders promised to form a team among themselves that included businessmen, youth, women, and clerics to identify those in their midst who are involved in terror activities. Is Shaikh Hassan’s arrest, just four days after this historic meeting, an early result of the tentative pact between President Uhuru and the Somali leaders?

Third, the cleric’s arrest might be part of a wider government policy to get rid of Somali refugees. According to the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNCHR), there are more than 630,000 Somali refugees in Kenya. The Dadaab camp alone has nearly half a million refugees. Kenyan government officials have repeatedly said they want to expel Somali refugees from their country for security reasons. “Some of these refugees,” stated interior minister Joseph Ole Lenku, “have abused our hospitality and kindness to plan and launch terror attacks from the safety of the refugee camps.” Though Shaikh Hassaan is a Somali-Kenyan, his supporters in Nairobi are overwhelmingly Somalis. Removing a popular cleric from the Somali community in Eastleigh might be part of the government’s pressure to encourage more Somalis to leave the country.

It is possible that Al-Shabaab will retaliate against Kenya for Shaikh Hassaan’s arrest. After all, the cleric has been the fatwa machine for the terror group because he has issued edicts that provided the religious justification for the radical group’s criminal activities. Several Al-Shabaab figures opposed to Godane have confirmed the special affinity that exists between the terror leader and the Somali-Kenyan cleric. For instance, Godane “built” Shaikh Hassaan’s personal library. This does not mean the wanted and elusive Al-Shabaab leader sent Islamic reference books from Somalia to Shaikh Hassaan in Nairobi, but rather Al-Shabaab has provided funds to the cleric to purchase books. Some captured Al-Shabaab fighters have claimed Shaikh Hassaan is a member of the radical group.

(Reprinted with permission from African Arguments, April 3, 2014).