This article is the second of a 10-part
series of true stories of Somali women and men and their very blunt assessment
of their relationships. The first six parts deal with Somali marriages in
America and the last four with issues of courtship. The names and locations of
these individuals have been changed to ensure their privacy.
*** The Lion
There is an interesting Somali proverb that says: “Libaax nin aan aqoon baa madaxa u salaaxa” (It is he who doesn’t know a lion that pets him).
When I call my husband a lion, I mean the term in both a good
and bad way. He is magnanimous, family oriented, a great provider, brave,
generous, outgoing, loyal, and a true leader. I feel safe with him. My family
loves him.
I have,
however, one problem. My husband is not romantic.
For a man who is educated and has spent a decade and a half
in the United States., he lacks the basic understanding of what a modern woman
wants. Every time I show affection, he jumps on me like a lion that has
captured its prey. He acts as though he is conquering that prey, with no
gentleness and no consideration for his wife.
I am by nature a passionate person. I like my husband to be
affectionate. A simple touch out of affection brings me more than I bargain for
or want. Why do men always misread women? I have told him on numerous occasions
to relax and stay put. I can’t hold hands with him in the living room. I can’t
snuggle with him without going the whole nine yards. I hear now and then that
spouses train each other, but that does not apply to my husband. He is set in his
predatory way. I have tried everything to help him change his habits. When we
go out, I try to hold hands with him, but I am gently rebuffed. He considers
showing affection in public as a “ceeb”
(shameful). I explain to him that his lack of foreplay and gentleness—not to
mention his selfishness—are not religiously sanctioned, but to no avail.
I am at a complete loss. On the one hand, my husband has many
good qualities that would make many women green with envy. On the other hand,
his rough edges drive me crazy. I am a 27-year-old woman deprived of love and
affection. Sometimes, I ask myself if I really made the right choice to marry
him. I am beginning to have serious reservations about this relationship. It is
teetering on the brink of collapse.
Settling a Score
The wedding was great. It was well planned and well attended.
Friends and family flew in from various states. The food was great, too. It was
the second marriage for both of us. We both came from previous relationships
that had each lasted a decade.
Three years
later, I realize my marriage has been nothing but a fraud, a union built on a
foundation of lies. My wife, Warda, married me simply to settle a score against
her former husband, Kulmiye. I have been duped and used. All along, my wife has
been obsessed with her ex-husband. I will let the facts drive my theory.
Warda told
me her first marriage was made in hell. Kulmiye was manipulative,
self-absorbed, emotionally-abusive, and a narcissist who lacked empathy and
viewed all women as objects. Their divorce was bitter. I appeared on the scene
nine months after their divorce. Warda and I started as friends, and a year
later I asked her to marry me. Although I was enthusiastic and pushing for the
marriage, she gave me the impression she was a reluctant partner. Nevertheless,
I felt I had met my soul mate. Five months before our wedding, Warda showed
increasing interest in our relationship by becoming more attentive. She started
calling me daily and texting. She had never done that before; I was the one who
had made all the calls. In hindsight, I realize it was that same time her ex
was getting married to a Somali woman who grew up in Canada. At the time,
Warda’s sudden interest in me, though endearing, was puzzling. I thought
perhaps she had come to her senses, and realized the strong viability of our
marriage.
My wife has been having an “object affair”— a non-sexual
affair that a spouse develops to marginalize the other spouse. The object can
be work, the Internet, an automobile, shopping, etc. The spouse having such an
affair becomes so pre-occupied with an object of interest that the other spouse
ceases to have any meaning in the marriage. It was with a great sense of
consternation that I discovered the object of my wife’s affair was the habit of
electronically stalking her former husband. Every day, my wife checked up on
her ex through the Internet, social media, and mutual friends. She asked her
friends if they had seen Kulmiye, how he looked, whether he had lost weight or
not, and—in a bizarre inquiry—what his wife wore. My wife knows a lot about
Kulmiye’s wife through a complex process of information gathering that would
mystify CIA operatives. Moreover, my wife has often put her pictures and mine
on her Facebook page to infuriate her ex and make him jealous. Jealous, Kulmiye
is not. In fact, he has moved on and does
not want to have anything to do with Warda. Interestingly, I do not have an
account with Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, or Instagram, yet Warda made me
conspicuous all over the social media.
When I once naively mentioned my own ex and said something
positive about her, my wife was so upset that she subjected me to that familiar
blend of scowl and silent treatment. “You still love her, don’t you?” she
exploded. In contrast, I hear a lot about Kulmiye every day from her. In a
nutshell, my wife’s default setting is her obsession with her ex. I am now
convinced our relationship was one-sided from day one. All the years we have been together have not changed anything in our
lopsided marriage.
I care a lot about my wife, but I have come to the conclusion
she is frozen in her past, a period that remains unresolved. She refuses to
seek professional help and even asserts that she does not love her ex. She has
stopped chatting with me as she used to and prefers to spend time with her
computer rather than with me. She goes to Starbucks for coffee alone and
reluctantly allows me to accompany her when I ask. I am a rental car agent and
my wife used to ask me about my daily work. Not anymore. She constantly compares me with her ex,
complimenting him on his earning power versus my dwindling income, praising him
for his infectious humor versus my stoic demeanor, and lauding his skill as a
handy man at home versus my standoffish attitude toward labor. She rarely
acknowledges all the good things I do for her. I am getting tired of my wife.
My friends tells me that I am setting myself up for a lifelong misery and
regret. “Your wife will not take care of you when you get older,” they
admonished me. I feel like I am single because my marriage has become only a
name on paper, a union devoid of care and respect.
Something
odd has happened.
Kulmiye suddenly got divorced. My wife’s resentment toward
Kulmiye’s ex got hotter. Warda started viciously badmouthing her: “Look at his
picture! Kulmiye has lost considerable weight because of her.” I have heard
from members of our community that Kulmiye is heading to Kenya to get married,
again. I also heard that he had vowed never to marry another Somali woman who
lives in the West. I guess it makes no difference to me because my marriage is
crumbling and there is no hope for its rehabilitation.
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