Is This Husband A Whiner?

Several years ago, a couple asked me to mediate between them. They were having a rocky relationship and I agreed to listen to them. Oddly, the wife did not say anything except to call her husband a “whiner.” The husband, however, wanted to talk. He was, after all, the one pushing for the mediation. Here is his story: 

My wife is just like a cult leader. She controls our family and hates to be questioned or second-guessed.

When I married her six years ago, she was a wonderful woman, kind, funny, smart, and a good parent. Today, I can safely say that I am married to a narcissistic, self-absorbed, control freak, and an abusive woman. At the beginning of our relationship, I was enamored with my wife and so never saw the ‘real’ her. She presented a fake personality to me, not her true nature. Or perhaps, I was blinded by my love and my strong attraction to her. In short, I was a fool and now I am paying the price. My marriage is in name only. I am married legally, but in reality, I live the life of a single man.

My first shock was finding out how selfish my wife is. Everything is about what she wants. My wife, my four step-children, ages 18, 19, 20, and 22, and I live together in a big house. My wife and I both work, and the children attend school. We have a spacious living room with a big TV screen. I am opposed to having TVs in the bedrooms. However, the television is totally controlled by my wife. Before my marriage, I had always enjoyed watching sports on ESPN, my favorite channel. The children also have their favorite programs. However, every time my wife walks into the living room, we all know what will happen next. “Who is watching this dumb program?” are the first words out of her mouth. Then, she grabs the remote control and switches the television to the channel she likes. Her selfishness bothers me a great deal, and I have told her how I feel, but to no avail. Simply put, my wife does not care what anybody else wants to watch.

Let me move to more serious grievances.

My wife chooses when we will be intimate. For instance, she has unilaterally decided that there will be no sex on the weekdays. She works Monday to Friday. The weekends are the only time she is willing to play. If I approach her on a weekday, I am rebuffed and told, “Didn’t I tell you nothing happens until the weekend?” She almost growls her directive at me. There are many weekends when nothing happens.  She wakes up early in the morning and goes straight to the living room. These are the days that she deliberately avoids me. In essence, even weekends are not a safe bet.  Now, how can I say I have a normal marriage when my sex life is regimented and solely dependent on my wife’s designated schedule? I have lost interest in intimacy due to my frustrations. In truth, I no longer find my wife physically attractive. Don’t blame me, please. Sex is not just physical; it is also an emotional bonding. I don’t have that anymore. The next thing you will hear from me is that I have become a monk.

I am just a trophy husband. My wife works hard to show the world we have a perfect marriage, and tells her relatives our relationship is solid. Furthermore, she has told mutual friends of her ex-husband that she is happier now and merrier. Ironically, her ex had the same issues I am currently experiencing. I have been feigning for her relatives that we are a loving, caring couple. What am I going to tell people? Am I going to say I am miserable and unhappy? No, I can’t do that. We attend family functions together and need to present an image of a strong and united married team, a picture perfect family!

My wife always wants to have the last word. She argues with me, and then suddenly she becomes verbally abusive. She is very strict with the children and I disagree with her often. She tells the children what to do, who to befriend, and how they must communicate with their biological father. She gets upset if they spend time with their father without her knowledge. When they do visit him occasionally and come back, she will not go to sleep until she debriefs them thoroughly.  Ironically, all the children are now adults and should be able to lead their own lives.

If the children and I voice our opinions, we come under withering attack. I have been called—yes, right in front of the children—all kinds of names: “a moron” “an asshole” “stupid” “sociopath” and “psycho.” I have heard my wife berate our children and scream at them simply for doing things she disliked or expressing opinions she disagreed with. As a result, the children are terrified of her, and some have actually started to conceal their plans from her. I talked to my wife about this issue, but she only reprimands me and berates me for “causing trouble between her and her children.” Her mantra is, “Mind your own business.”

I always believed that your spouse was supposed to be the most important person in your life, not the least important. I also thought that spouses should never take each other for granted. I was taken in by my beliefs and my emotions. My wife marginalizes me, mistreats me, and only wants to control me. I am now aware of her evil machinations. I refuse to be a trophy husband, a marginal spouse, and someone only taken for granted. I want to spend the last minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years of my life in a peaceful, loving, caring and fruitful environment. Call me a whiner if you want, but even if I am, I have many good reasons for whining.

***

After the husband finished talking, I asked the wife what she thought of his grievances. She kept quiet for a bit and then wept. “I have never put myself in his shoes,” she admitted. “I have to do something different before I lose both my husband and my children.”