Many years ago, I worked in California with a young woman who
had moved from El Paso, Texas. She was dating a man who was head over heels in
love with her. He often visited her in the office and brought her flowers.
After a while, the couple married and were blessed with a beautiful daughter. I
switched jobs and moved on, however, several years later, I ran into the young
lady. I asked her about her family. “I am raising my daughter alone,” she told
me, “My ex-husband became violent and a cheater.” I was baffled by the turn of
events. I wondered if her ex-husband’s behavior could have been detected
earlier. How did a gentle, loving, and romantic man turn into a monster?
Sociopathy is a mental health disorder that features a sheer
disregard for other people. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Disorders
(DSM-V) defines a sociopath as someone who has “an inflated sense of self.” He
acts like he is God’s gift to the world and feels no qualms boasting about his
talents, accomplishments, sexual prowess, and physical attractiveness. Dr. Martha
Stout, the author of The Sociopath Next
Door (2005) wrote that 4% of the population can be characterized as conscienceless
sociopaths, or 1 in every 25 people. While there are female sociopaths, men are
three times more likely to be one. It is likely that you know a sociopath: a
lover, neighbor, or a boss. The following are typical signs of a sociopath.
1.
Charm and Charisma
The first time a woman meets a sociopath, she is struck by
his charm, wit, friendliness, helpfulness, and attention to detail. A sociopath
targets his victim with almost surgical precision. He showers her with gifts,
flowers, and, most of all, undivided attention. Phone calls, text messages, and
emails pour down like rain. The victim feels flattered by the careful,
calibrated excess of attention she is suddenly experiencing. However, she may also
feel suffocated by loss of space or quality time for her family and friends. A
sociopath wants the woman to spend all her time with him and, in the process,
makes her the center of his attention, indeed, the focus of his universe.
According to Dr. Stout the danger is, “once the surface charm
is scraped off, [a sociopath’s] marriage is loveless, one-sided, and almost
always short-term. If a marriage partner has any value to the sociopath, it is
because the partner is viewed as a possession, one that the sociopath may feel
angry to lose, but never sad or accountable.”
A sociopath is a master of disguise and can concoct a
manufactured love, and fake emotions. He
can easily walk away without showing any emotion or feeling an ounce of guilt.
The victim, who has put so much time and effort into the relationship, finds
herself dazed, bewildered, hurt, and anguished.
2.
Lack of Empathy
Empathy is
putting yourself with someone’s shoes and understanding how that person feels.
A sociopath lacks empathy, or the ability to feel remorse. A sociopath does not
feel bad about the emotional pain he inflicts on his lover. He can stay clinically
detached and, hence, loses no sleep over his lover’s emotional torment. It is
she who is stressed about the relationship, not him.
Among the signs of a sociopath is likely to exhibit are jealousy
and a sense of paranoia. He is suspicious and jealous of other people in her
life. Past relations are zealously scrutinized and, if possible, used against
her. A sociopath is more likely to accuse his partner ofcheating, when perhaps he
is the guilty party. The woman finds that she is constantly defending herself
from false accusations.
A sociopath reveals little about himself even though he talks
incessantly about various subjects. He has no connection with his past and
maintains superficial friendships. A partner is not likely to meet someone important
in his past or witness his family members visit him or interact with him in any
meaningful way. Some sociopaths conceal a significant portion of their lives
for fear they may expose their dark past. Moreover, they do not like exposure
and tend to ask their lovers not to share too much about them.
As an example, one married man in California concealed from
his wife he had another woman and five children back in Africa. When his wife
became suspicious of the hundreds of dollars he was sending every month allegedly
to his “mother,” his secret was exposed.
5. Lying
Sociopaths are pathological liars. When confronted, they tend
to change the subject, blame others for their deception, or get angry and instead
highlight others’ shortcomings. It is a habit to deflect blame. A sociopath
does not own up to his mistakes and takes no responsibility for his actions.
This is because he does not believe he has done anything wrong—it is his
partner who is at fault.
One man offered to add his fiancé to his cell phone plan.
What seemed an act of generosity to her turned into a ploy to spy on her
activities. When she told him she was leaving his plan, he was flabbergasted
and accused her of cheating on him. He bellowed, “What are you hiding from me?”
***
Honeyed WordsA sociopath has a list of phrases he likes to use, as compiled by Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping from the Boy: My life with a sociopath:
1. “You are the love of my life.”
2. “I have never known anyone like you.”
3. “You are perfect for me.”
4. “I never want to leave your side.”
5. “You are the most beautiful person I
have ever met.”
6. “We are perfect for each other.”
7. “You are exactly what I have been
looking for my entire life.”
*** The Way Out
One big mistake many women make is they believe that a
sociopath will change. A sociopath is not capable of change nor does he have
the motivation to change. He is in the relationship for personal gain, and she
is clearly his most precious possession. Mary Jo Buttafucoo, now Mary Jo
Connery, knew better when her chronically philandering husband cheated on her
with a teen and the young girl shot Mary Jo in the face. When asked why it took
her so long to leave her duplicitous husband, Mary Jo said, “I stuck it out
during the bad times because the good times were fantastic.”
Therefore, how
does a woman extricate herself from a relationship with a sociopath?
1.
Seek
professional help. A sociopath inflicts so much pain on his victim that she
finds herself at the edge of the cliff, whether it is emotional turmoil, low
self-esteem, or financial ruin. A professional will help you deal with these
issues and guide you to overcome the emotional roller coaster you may experience.
2.
Disassociate
yourself with anything that connects you with the sociopath. No phone calls,
texts, emails, or any physical contact. There is nothing beneficial that comes from
staying in contact with him. In the beginning, it will be painful to cut
yourself off from him, but the farther you stay away from him the better. A
sociopath may disappear from your life, but he is more likely to reappear and
pursue you vigorously.
3.
Change
your phone, if possible, and make sure to take necessary security precautions.
The sociopath may pursue you after you separate from him and even
electronically monitor your activities. One woman found her cell phone bugged
and her email account hacked many years after her divorce. Unfortunately,
police were not willing to investigate the matter and she had to fend for
herself.
4. Surround yourself with people who
care about you and love you. Your family can provide moral support, as can your
close friends.
Removing yourself from a relationship with a sociopath can be
difficult, but it is better for your physical and emotional health in the long
run. If you are in a relationship with a sociopath, get out, seek help, and
eventually you will find peace and safety in your life.
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